When the tracker snuggled into the gunslinger that first night, he felt a warm glow of happiness and an unaccustomed feeling of security. After a lifetime of rejection, he had finally found someone to love and knew that he was loved in return. As far as he was concerned everything was perfect, but real life does not necessarily proceed according to plan.Chris Larabee had no illusions about that. He knew things were not going to be easy, but he just hoped he would be able to shield his tracker from any unpleasantness. He had already been the unwilling recipient of Mary Travis' opinion of his apparent relationship with Vin, and was all too aware that she would not be alone in her condemnation of such, to say nothing of the fact that it was actually against the law.
Never one to care a dime about others' opinions of himself, Chris wondered how Vin would cope with possible nastiness. Under normal circumstances, the tracker just shrugged off criticism of his person or actions, but now things were different. The tracker had been shaken to the core by Jim Hudson's treatment and Larabee knew he was not yet back to his old resilient self, if indeed he ever would be. If anyone had suggested to him a mere month before that Vin Tanner would cry in his arms, let alone attempt suicide, he would have laughed in his face. However, Vin's protective walls had crumbled to dust and he was in a very vulnerable state emotionally.
The one thing the gunslinger knew for sure was that Vin Tanner came first in his world and he would do anything to protect him. The fierce love he had felt for his dead wife and child had come back in full measure. Indeed, he knew he had never felt as strongly about Sarah as he did for Vin. That realization had surprised him as he had never thought he would ever experience the love he had felt for her again, let alone exceed it.
So he had to think very carefully about the situation. How they acted and who, if anyone, they let into their secret would be vital. The choice of the word 'secret' signalled his first decision.
Mary Travis had bluntly commented on their being always together and how people might interpret it. That was something that had to change. He had no illusions that it would be easy because Vin was still unable to sleep alone, but hopefully the tracker should have regained enough confidence not to need his constant presence during the day.
So far the only times he had been able to leave Vin, with no worries as to how the tracker would cope, had been when Ezra was with him. That was a start, and hopefully now that Vin knew he had Larabee's love, he would be more secure with others as well.
However, contradictorily, he had to admit, to himself though to no one else, that he hoped Vin would not become too close to the gambler. During his illness, the tracker seemed to have developed a surprisingly close bond to Standish, even though they appeared to have nothing in common. Larabee had experienced strong pangs of jealousy when he had seen the pair laughing together, even though it did his heart good to see Vin happy.
With all this on his mind, not surprisingly Larabee had little sleep that first night. Indeed, he seemed to have barely dozed off when he was awakened by Vin nuzzling into his chin.
"Oh, yer still here, are ya?" he asked teasingly, his hands moving to caress the smoothly muscled back.
"Mmm."
"Close enough for ya?"
Larabee's tone was mildly sarcastic, but Vin was used to that and ignored it. "Nope."
Chris smiled and moved his hands to cup the firm buttocks. He gently pulled Vin on top of him. "Better?"
"Yep."
"Talkative in the mornin', ain't ya?"
Ignoring the question, Vin began to nibble busily around Chris' neck. The mouth tickled and so did the soft, brown curls trailing across the gunslinger's chest.
Chris moved one strong arm across the small of Vin's back to pin him in position and began a little tickling of his own.
"Ah, no! Chrissss! <giggle> That tickles! <giggle> Don't!" He was wriggling against Chris.
The trouble was Chris was physically stronger than Vin, and the latter still had his right arm out of commission, so the tracker had difficulties wrestling his way loose. Of course, he knew some very nasty tricks he could use against a real attacker, but he could not use them against Larabee and so was at a decided disadvantage and both knew it. The more Vin writhed, the tighter Chris held him and the more he teased.
The gunslinger waited until Vin made a particularly violent twist and then used the momentum to flip the sharpshooter onto his back. Before Vin could continue his roll off the bed, Larabee landed on top of him, pinning the smaller man with his weight.
He looked down at the beautiful face and stroked the tousled curls back. Then he leaned down and caught the honeyed lips in a gentle kiss. He went to draw back, but Vin's good arm wrapped around him hugging tightly. "It's too early to get out of bed," Vin protested.
"What? In town you're usually are up before any of us." That was true. Usually Vin had breakfasted and gone about the business of the day long before any of the other six emerged.
"Yeah, but I didn't have a reason to stay in bed and now I have," Vin explained, smiling happily.
Warning bells rang in Larabee's head. He hated to break the mood, but the issue had to be faced sooner or later and the gunslinger was never one to side-step an issue. "Vin, ya know yer gonna have to keep to yer old habits in town, don't ya?"
"Huh?" The tracker looked perplexed.
"Ya do understand we've gotta be a bit discreet?"
"Discreet? Ya've been around old Ez too much, Chris, usin' five dollar words like that."
"Look, Vin, ya know how ya have … we have been … together a lot since … since what happened to ya … ya know, touching and … and that sorta stuff." He knew he was babbling, but he was not sure what was the best way to put things.
Normally Larabee spoke straight from the shoulder and so the sharpshooter was both confused and apprehensive when he heard the unusually disjointed speech. He nodded and whispered, "Yeah."
"It's gotta stop, cowboy."
Vin's face fell. Larabee saw the hurt in his expressive eyes, before Vin quickly lowered his lashes to mask it. "D-didn't ya … Didn't ya like … I-I thought ya liked it."
"I do! Of course, I do! But … But …"
However, Vin was not listening. "G-Get off me please, Chris."
"Vin, listen to …"
"Get off! Just get off!" He was struggling again, but there was no playfulness in it now.
Realizing a rational conversation was not going to be possible, Chris swung off the bed. Vin followed, grabbing for his clothes and keeping his head down to avoid looking at Chris.
Larabee decided he might as well get dressed too before trying to talk again.
Handicapped by his still broken arm, Vin was slower than Chris, but as soon as he was dressed, he started to turn for the door. "Put yer sling on, cowboy," Chris said. "Ya know Nathan doesn't want to have to deal with that arm a fourth time."
"Who cares!" Vin retorted irrationally.
"I do and so do you. Now do as yer told!" Larabee commanded sternly. He moved to position himself between Vin and the door.
With bad grace, Vin hooked the sling over his head. "It's on," he muttered rebelliously..
"Now put yer damned arm in it!" Larabee was getting exasperated. Before the troubles of the last month, Vin had been even-tempered and easy-going and usually went along happily with Larabee's orders, but now the littlest things could be a problem. Of course, he had never been a good patient, but apart from that he had always been calm, conciliatory and rational.
Vin glanced swiftly up at him, gauging his temper, and then realizing the futility of rebellion, slowly pushed his arm into the sling. Then he headed for the bedroom door, head down to avoid eye-contact with the gunslinger.
Chris stepped aside to let Vin pass and then followed him out of the bedroom. "Okay, cowboy, let's get some breakfast and then we'd better have a talk."
"'M not hungry." Not hungry? That was unlikely. The tracker was always hungry. Ezra, probably with accuracy, had compared him to a cat starved as a kitten, that grows up always ready to eat in case the food supply does not continue.
"Well, I am and ya will be when ya smell it cookin'," Larabee said.
"No, I won't 'cause I ain't gonna be here," Vin retorted stubbornly.
"And where do ya think yer goin'?"
"Out."
"Not till ya have heard what I've got to say. Now sit!" As he spoke he put a hand on each of Vin's shoulders and pushed him down forcibly into an armchair.
The tracker immediately tried to get up, but Larabee pushed him down again. "Stay there, Vin!" he ordered.
"Ya don't w-want me, so why don't ya j-just let me go?" An errant tear trickled down his cheek. Embarrassed at his weakness, he hurriedly brushed it aside with his good hand.
Larabee tried another tack. "Vin, I love ya. Ya know I do," he said, trying hard to keep his voice even and reasonable.
"No, ya don't."
"What do ya think last night was then?"
"Is it because … Are ya mad because I didn't … I didn't …" He trailed off, unable to continue.
"Vin, I am not mad with ya!" Even as he said it, he knew his voice belied the statement. "Now what the hell … I mean, what are ya on about," he amended, trying to modify both his comments and his tone.
"Are ya mad 'cause I didn't let ya fuck me?"
"I am not mad with ya! Look, if I'd wanted to fuck ya, ya couldn't have stopped me." It was probably the wrong thing to say after Hudson's attack, but Chris could not stop himself.
Vin's face went white and he seemed to shrink into himself. He ran a nervous tongue across dry lips and finally ventured, "D-Didn't ya want to?"
"Of course I damn well did, but ya ain't ready for that yet."
"I'm sorry." He had failed Chris again. How could he dare to hope someone like Chris would love a coward?
"Vin, it is not yer fault. Look, I enjoyed what we did. I'm happy to wait until yer ready, but …"
"But?"
"This isn't exactly what I'm tryin' to talk about."
"I don't understand."
"Ya know what we did last night is against the law."
"Is it?" Vin was genuinely surprised.
"Yes."
"Why? How does it hurt anyone else?"
"It doesn't, but lotsa people don't approve of it."
"Indians don't mind," Vin pointed out.
"Maybe, but many white people do."
"But … But nobody has to know." Vin could feel his stomach fluttering wildly. Chris was going to end their new relationship and he could not bear to face the loss of the wonderful feeling he had of belonging, of being special to someone.
"That's exactly what I'm gettin' at. We need to act like we always used to and then nobody will know."
"But ya ain't tellin' me we have to stop? Yer not, are ya?" Vin questioned, desperate for reassurance.
"Course not, Vin. I'd never do that."
Relief flooded over the tracker. "What do I have to do?"
"Ya gotta stop touchin' me when people are watchin' and ya can't be with me all the time. Ya know yer safe in town. Ya don't need me to be there all the time."
"I'll try," Vin promised doubtfully and then grinned, with a touch of his old dauntless spirit, as the thought occurred, and added, "but ya gotta make it up to me when nobody's around, cowboy."
"Deal," Larabee responded, too relieved to have Vin on about his use of the nickname.
The first few days were fine, although Larabee was aware of one or two awkward silences on entering a room that suggested the gossip had not died completely. That did not surprise him, as he knew some would see it as a particularly juicy bit of scandal. He was relieved that the tracker did not seem to have noticed the sudden halts in conversation. A man of few words himself, the tracker had never shown any interest in small talk.
Larabee hoped people would soon see things were apparently back to normal and would decide rumour had lied. To his relief, Vin behaved himself in public, although Chris caught his eye on more than one occasion and could see how much effort it was taking for the tracker to distance himself.
Of course, the nights were another matter. Once the town was quiet, the tracker would glide through the rooming-house and join the gunslinger with no one the wiser. Although somewhat frustrated by the limited nature of their lovemaking, Chris considered it was probably just as well Vin was still too scared to allow penetration, as things might have got a tad too noisy if the tracker found that as enjoyable as Chris intended he should. Certainly, he was exceptionally sensitive to touch and frequently had to bury his face in the pillow to stifle his giggles as the gunslinger tickled and teased.
So things were going well, until Saturday arrived.
Chris had originally taken Vin out to the cabin to discuss their relationship after facing an irate Mary Travis, who had made some scathing comments about his relationship with Vin. While soothing her ruffled feathers and hoping to convince her she was wrong, Chris had promised to join her for dinner. Now the day had arrived.
Larabee considered the meal would be a good way of diverting suspicions and had no qualms about using Mary in that way because he considered she deserved it as her malicious tongue was a major cause of the rumours circulating.
However, Vin did not see it like that. He was jealous and upset and all his old insecurities resurfaced. "Ya really want her not me, don't ya?" he asked plaintively and repeatedly, rejecting all of Larabee's denials.
Chris temper finally flared and he snapped, "The way the pair of ya are goin' on I won't want either of ya. Ya would be better company for each other."
That led to tears, and to his horror, Larabee found himself raising a hand to slap some sense into his lover. Fortunately, he managed to stop himself just in time and instead drew Vin into an embrace. "Look, Vin, I promise I won't accept any more invitations from her," he said, "but I agreed to go and she'll make a fuss if I let her down now. I'll come home as soon as I can. Okay?"
Vin muttered something that the gunslinger hoped was acquiescence and then said, "I guess Ezra might let me spend the evenin' with him iffen I don't interrupt his poker."
So, after delivering Vin to the saloon, Larabee kept the date.
Mrs Travis had clearly made a major effort both over the meal itself and herself. She had a new and obviously expensive dress and was looking quite stunning. It did not bode well.
Chris managed to compliment her and to make small talk as she fussed over him, but was relieved when it was time to eat. As they sat down, he realized, with a sinking heart, that she had laid only two places. "Where's Billy?" he asked.
"He's staying overnight with a friend, so it's just us." She simpered at him. "You don't mind, do you?"
Mind? Chris thought back to all the earlier occasions when he had hoped to be alone with Mary and she had insisted on having the boy present. Clearly she intended the evening to proceed rather differently to usual. 'Damn,' he thought, 'how in hell am I goin' to get outta this without a major scene?'
He could not help but reflect how hilarious Buck would have found the whole thing. It would have given the ladies' man inspiration for jokes for weeks.
When the meal was over, she sat down on the couch and patted the seat beside her invitingly. "Come and sit with me, Chris, we haven't had a chance to talk for ages."
"Sh-Shouldn't we get the dishes outta the way first?" Larabee stammered, desperately trying to think of a way of avoiding the tete-a-tete.
"They'll keep till morning."
Morning! That had an ominous sound. Chris moved reluctantly towards her and sat down.
At that moment, there was a firm knock on the door. Unable to believe his luck, Chris immediately stood up to answer it. "Let's pretend we're not here," Mary whispered, clutching at his sleeve.
"Whoever it is will have seen the lamp," Larabee said. "Anyway, it might be important."
She frowned, clearly put out that he should think anything more important than she was. Thing were not going as she had hoped. For months she had been restrained in her association with the gunslinger. She would have hated to be seen as 'fast', and to have shown too much reliance on or interest in a male, would have undermined the image she had of herself as a self-contained and independent career-woman. It was not until she had realized that she had a serious rival for Larabee's affections, in the unlikely form of the scruffy tracker, that she had found any reason to question her approach. So tonight she had changed tactics, and to her chagrin, found Larabee apparently less interested in her than in the past and clearly discomforted by her advances.
She watched Chris head for the door wondering suspiciously which of the other six he had put up to providing this interruption. Surely he would not have dared to have Vin Tanner call. If so, she was more than ready to tell them both their fortunes.
She was so certain that it was a put up job that her mouth fell open when she saw her father-in-law standing there.
"Good evening, Mr Larabee," Judge Orrin Travis said. "Mr Wilmington told me I would find you here. I trust I am not interrupting your meal."
"No, we have just finished," Larabee said, hastily ushering the older man inside. "What can I do for you?"
"I have just received a telegram with some important news that I need to discuss with you." He looked pointedly at Mary.
Sighing inwardly, Mary took the hint and stood up. "I'll go and put some coffee on and start the dishes," she said reluctantly.
"I'm afraid I won't be too popular in some quarters," the judge observed, as the door closed behind her with an unnecessary bang, "but sometimes having a newspaper editor as a daughter-in-law can have its drawbacks. Unfortunately, there are times when it is best that the public remain uninformed."
"What's goin' on?"
"A very important visitor is going to be in our state for a week, looking at various investment possibilities, and I have been asked to accompany him. I would like you with me to keep an eye on security arrangements."
"Is there a likelihood of problems?"
"Possibly. It's Senator McMillan. As you will know he has taken a strong line on various issues and has trodden on innumerable toes. There have been death threats made against him over the years and there have been several in the past few months. Frankly, I do not like the man, but I would rather that he did not come to harm while under my care."
Larabee nodded. From what he had heard about the Senator, he agreed with the judge's opinion. "How many of us do you want?"
"Just you. We are trying to keep things low key and the larger the entourage the more attention it will attract. He will have his own bodyguard, but I thought it would be useful to have you there too as you know the area."
"When is the visit to be?"
"We need to rendezvous with him on Thursday week."
The judge proceeded to provide more details, but was then interrupted when the kitchen door opened and Mary announced the coffee was ready. She then disappeared and returned with a tray.
Chris guessed she would be fair itching to know what was going on and feared the interrogation that would follow the judge's departure. Since he also wished to avoid a resumption of the advances that she had been making earlier, he resolved to turn the judge's visit to further advantage.
Accordingly, he purposefully engaged the judge in a long conversation about various local matters of minor importance. While doing this, he surreptitiously watched Mary. She was obviously bored by the conversation and wishing the judge to perdition, but whenever the latter made any move to go, Larabee initiated another topic.
When Orrin Travis finally left, Larabee waited only moments before saying, "Well, it has been a most pleasant evening, Mary, but I really must go too."
"But it's still so early and …"
"I'm sorry, Mary. The matter the judge called about was of some importance and I have arrangements to make." That was not exactly a lie. Judge Travis' business was important and he did have 'arrangements' to make, the most important being the collection of one tracker from the saloon and taking him home to bed. He had not actually said the two issues were related, even if hopefully Mary might assume that they were.
When he saw the joy flash across the tracker's face at his early arrival, he knew he had made the right decision. He beckoned and Vin almost ran across the saloon to get to him.
Seeing the sudden movement, Ezra glanced up quickly and was surprised, both by the speed of Vin's departure and by the grin and wink bestowed upon him by the normally saturnine gunslinger.
The next few days passed peacefully enough, although Chris had difficulties avoiding Mary. He knew she was determined to find out what was going on between him and the judge and, if anything, that was more on her mind than his relationship with either her or the tracker.
For his part, Chris was enjoying his time with Vin, but was also worrying about how to tell the sharpshooter he was going away. He debated long and hard with himself as to when it would be best to break the news to the tracker. Telling Vin early would give him more time to adjust to the idea, but also more time for the tracker to try to talk him out of it, or failing that, to try to figure out a way to go too. Further, Vin was making such an effort to please him by his discreet behaviour that he did not want to repay him with news that he would hate.
Basically, Larabee came to the conclusion that he was a coward. He knew Vin would be upset and he could not stand to see his lover in tears. So he kept quiet and made his arrangements in secret.
However, he knew that he had to make a definite plan for Vin's care and decided that that would have to involve the gambler. Although Larabee had some misgivings about trusting Ezra with Vin, as the two had developed a closer relationship than he was happy with during Vin's convalescence, it seemed the best solution. Like Nathan, Ezra knew that Hudson had raped Vin and so had some idea of the problems Vin was facing.
Accordingly, the gunslinger approached the gambler and told him about the judge's request, continuing, "The problem is I'll have to leave Vin here and he still hasn't recovered fully from the attack. He's fairly right during the day, but he has nightmares and gets scared at night. Would ya mind lookin' after him for me?"
The gambler agreed immediately. "Of course not, Mr Larabee. He can bring his bedroll into my room and nobody need even know that he is there." He saw that Chris was hesitating. It was unlike the forthright Mr Larabee to be so reticent. Normally he said exactly what he thought and damn the consequences. "Was there something else, Mr Larabee?" he prompted.
"Yeah … um … Ezra, ya probably heard some … er … things some people have been sayin' about Vin and me."
"There has been gossip in some quarters, I believe." That was true. Since the failure of her dinner date with Chris, Mary had again been fuelling the rumours.
"Could ya try to shield Vin from it iffen ya can? He's not ready to deal with it yet and if I'm not here ..."
"Some people might seize the opportunity to create unpleasantness," Ezra finished.
"Yeah."
"I will do my humble best to protect Mr Tanner from any maliciousness that might eventuate."
"Thank you."
The next hurdle was to tell the tracker he would be going away. Having anticipated problems, he had put off telling Vin until the night before his departure.
"Vin, the judge wants me to take care of some business for him. I have to go out of town tomorrow and I'll be away for a few days."
"Where are we goin'?"
"We are not. Ya have to stay here, Vin."
The tracker's face fell. "Don't ya want me to go with ya?" he asked plaintively.
"Of course I do, cowboy, but I'm gonna be escortin' a senator for the judge and the arrangements are all made. Look, it'll be a week at most. Ya'll be fine. Ezra says ya can put yer bedroll in his rooms at the boarding-house."
"But, Chris, I want …"
The gunslinger interrupted, "Vin, it's not a matter of what ya want. I have to go and ya can't. Hell, I don't want to leave ya, but I was bound to have to do so eventually. It's part of the job."
The tracker pouted and put his head down, using his mop of hair to shield his face.
Chris felt the tug on his heartstrings, but knew he needed to make a stand. After all this separation could be a positive step in helping Vin regain his independent nature. "C'mon, Vin, be reasonable," he appealed, "a week isn't long."
"Yes, it is! It's ages! It's not fair! I need ya here."
"And I need ya too, but try to think of the positive things. It'll help show people ya don't need me to be always around."
"But I do!" Vin insisted.
"Too bad, Cowboy, because I'm goin'," Chris snapped. Guilt was eating at him and he was starting to lose his temper. He nearly added irrationally "and I'll stay away longer if ya make a fuss", but managed to hold his tongue.
However, with his near uncanny ability to read Larabee's thoughts, the tracker seemed aware of the sentiment, if not the exact words, and of his part in driving the gunslinger to that position. Tears welled up in his beautiful blue eyes. They were always so near the surface since Hudson's attack. "I'm s-sorry, Chris," he whispered, as they began to trickle down his pale cheeks.
Seeing his lover's distress, it was on the tip of Larabee's tongue to give in and say he would stay, but he bit it back. He had given the judge his word and he was sure the separation could only do them both good. Instead, he reached out and gently drew the slender tracker against his chest, holding him tenderly and burying his face in Vin's soft, brown curls.
At first, Vin pushed petulantly against him, but then stilled as he realized Larabee had no intention of releasing him. Gradually, he succumbed to Chris' caresses and whispered endearments and finally allowed the gunslinger to lead him to bed.
The tracker spent the night in the gunslinger's arms as usual and, in the morning, put a brave face on, talking about what he might do while Chris was away.