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No Getting Back To Good |
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THREE
Chris awoke the next morning to the smell of coffee and the sight of Vin standing at the kitchen table with a towel wrapped around his waist, his bare chest glistening from the water that clung to him from the shower and his wet hair curling around his face.
Chris could feel his body come to life as he looked at Vin. Damn. No one has the right to look that fine in the morning,he thought.
Chris peeked under the covers and muttered with a soft laugh. "Down, boy."
Vin had heard Chris moving around and walked into the living room.
"Problem there, pard?"
Vin laughed and handed Chris some coffee.
"No problem, Cowboy. Least not one that can't be fixed." As Chris picked himself up off of the floor, he let out a groan as his back protested the movement.
"Sucks gettin' old."
"Fucking, wise assed Texan. I outta shoot you just for the fun of it."
"You ain't fast enough or bad enough ta shoot me Cowboy."
"Hah! Don't tempt me Vin. Next time, we go to sleep in the bedroom. Too old to be sleeping on the floor."
Vin laughed at that. The two men were both so worn out after making love the night before, that they had stayed in front of the fireplace and fell asleep. Neither of them had the energy or the ambition to get up and go to the bedroom. Vin had to admit that sleeping on the floor hadn't done his back any good either. Ah, but it was worth it.
Vin's eyes were drawn to the pictures on the fireplace mantle. He looked at the picture of Chris, cradling Hope in his arms. Chris was so at ease holding the baby, love shining in his eyes. Vin grinned as he thought how Chris was born to be a father. He was a natural. Running his fingers gently over the picture, the grin faded and he had to push down the feeling of unease that inched its way up his back.
"Chris. Ez said you had to go to see your lawyer yesterday. Everything okay? Any problems?"
"No problems Vin. Everything is gonna be fine."
It was a lie. Chris knew it. What was even worse was that he knew that Vin knew it too. Both men were silent. They made an unspoken agreement to let it go for now. Neither was willing to destroy the memory of the beautiful night they had just shared. Neither could bear to destroy the illusion that things between them were back to being the way they used to be, with the reality of the way things really were.
Both men knew that they would have to deal with Mary and the problems that she would most likely bring for them.
Vin did not doubt that Chris loved him, but Chris had a child to consider now. Although he was never fortunate enough to experience the bond between a father and a child, he knew that for kids lucky enough to have parents that truly loved them, there was nothing stronger than that bond and in the end, no matter how much Chris may love him, his love for his child would win out. In his mind he acknowledged the truth, but his heart wasn't prepared to accept it.
Chris watched the emotions flashing in Vin's eyes and he wondered what was visible in his own eyes. His lawyer had made it crystal clear that having a relationship with Vin and having Vin live with him greatly complicated matters. If he couldn't reach some kind of an agreement with Mary about Hope, then he was in for a battle. He wondered just how much he was willing to risk to keep Vin in his life. He hoped he wouldn't have to find out.
Chris pushed his thoughts away. He didn't want to think about anything right now. He just wanted to be alone with Vin and enjoy, while he could, the touch of serenity that enveloped him whenever he was with him.
The weekend passed in a soft haze. The two lovers spent their time enjoying each other's company. They had saddled their horses and taken long rides into the untamed countryside Vin loved. They had talked and when the words ran out, had shared a comfortable silence. They had made love and rediscovered each other. By Sunday evening, they both had even started to believe that they could make this work. After all, they loved each other and wasn't that the most important thing?
As the weekend faded into memory, Vin faced the new week with both excitement and dread. Today would be his first day back at the ATF. Other than Ezra, he had not seen any of the other guys since they had brought him to the hospital after getting him out of jail. Chris had asked the Team to let the two of them have the weekend alone and they had reluctantly agreed.
Vin was amazed at how nervous he felt as he entered Team 7's office. He couldn't stop the guilty feelings and the doubts that plagued him from running rampant. He had run out on his family without so much as one word. When he had left Denver last year he hadn't considered the effect his leaving would have had on the Team. He had been so hurt and devastated when his world had come crashing down around him, that he couldn't cope. His basic instincts had kicked in and he did what he felt he had to do to survive. He hoped the guys would understand that, but he was willing to face the consequences of his actions if they didn't.
When Vin walked into the room, he was immediately surrounded by Team 7. Between pats on the back and "welcome backs," from all sides, Vin found himself feeling slightly overwhelmed. He didn't know what he did to merit having such good friends but he thanked God that he did it. He was welcomed back with open arms and he was thankful for that. He held onto that feeling, especially since, that deep in his soul, in the place where the small, unwanted boy he used to be still lived, he felt he didn't deserve it.
Sensing that Vin needed to be rescued from the crowd around him, Chris made his presence known.
"Okay, ladies. Back off and give Vin some air before he passes out. Let's get to work."
Vin threw Chris a grateful smile as he sat down at his old desk. Chris nodded and went into his office.
The day flew by for Vin. He spent most of his time attending a few of the classes that Travis wanted him to take. The rest of his time was spent at the firing range putting in the practice that everyone knew he didn't really need.
At the end of the day, when Vin finally got back to the office he was met at his desk by Buck.
"Hey Junior. We're gonna head over to Inez's for dinner. Figure we can make it a welcome home party."
"Ah, sorry Bucklin. I got some stuff ta take care of and then I got to study some for these classes I'm stuck takin'."
Vin didn't know why he did it, but the lie was past his lips before he even realized what he was saying. He hadn't been able to quiet the nagging voice that kept telling him that he didn't deserve the forgiveness these men gave him so willingly. He walked out on his family and he had to do some penance for that.
Buck knew Vin was struggling with his feelings and decided to give him a break by not make a big issue of it.
''It's all right, Junior. Next time then."
Buck's smile warmed Vin to the core and he couldn't help but smile back at him.
"Thanks, Bucklin."
"Anytime, Vin. Anytime."
As the next few weeks went on, Vin found himself gradually falling into the day-to-day routines of working at the ATF. Vin wouldn't be completely reinstated for another two weeks so his days consisted mostly of doing paper work, finishing the classes he needed for his reinstatement and getting ready to re-qualify for his weapons course. He was bored and, at times, he really missed the freedom he had when he was bounty hunting. There was a part of him that longed for the open road, with only himself to answer to. He had tried to hide it, but all of the guys had noticed the wistful look that would creep in his eyes from time to time.
The Team did their best to break Vin out of his melancholy mood. They had finally managed to drag him out after work, but he was more quiet than usual and seemed ill at ease with the group. They all hoped that in time, Vin would regain his comfort level with them and that things would go back to normal. Vin Tanner was carrying around a load of guilt for leaving his friends and they were determined to put that guilt where it belonged...dead and buried.
Slowly, as the next two weeks passed, shades of the old Vin Tanner began to emerge. Whether it be a practical joke on one of the guys or some wise-crack said in that distinct Texan drawl, Team 7 was on its way to becoming whole again. Their sharpshooter was back, but more importantly than that, their friend and brother was slowly retaking his place back among them.
The day had finally arrived when Vin was completely reinstated in his position and Team 7 was ready to celebrate. After work was finished, the Team headed to Inez's and settled in for a night of good food and good friends.
As the night wore on and the alcohol continued to flow freely, Vin sat quietly and tuned into the thoughts going through his head. He was feeling extremely grateful with the way his life was turning out. Everything felt right with his world again. He was back at the job he truly loved, not just pushing paper, but being the guardian of his friends' backs.
Vin glanced around the table, taking in the relaxed and laughing faces of the Team, stopping on one face in particular. When his eyes met the green eyes of his lover and best friend, he felt the warmth surround his whole body. He felt his cheeks burn when he realized the reaction his body was having when he looked at Chris. A reaction that he would rather keep private. When Chris looked at Vin and threw him an impish smile, he knew that Chris was well aware of his current predicament. Vin smirked at Chris and rolled his eyes. Chris grinned and shook his head, then gave his attention to the conversation around him.
A hand on his shoulder roused Vin from his thoughts.
"Hey, Ez."
"Vin. You appear to be somewhat...distracted."
Vin's whole face colored. "Ah, I'm just thinkin' on things."
"Would you care to elaborate?"
The smile and the look of contentment on Vin's face could have lit up the room. "I was just thinkin' on how good it feels to be here. To be with everyone again. I feel like I got my life back and I got another chance to be happy."
Ezra smiled at Vin. He knew that the alcohol was loosening Vin's tongue, so to speak, and he was happy to oblige Vin by listening to him.
"I take it that all is going well with you and our fearless leader?"
"Ez, it almost feels like the way it did...before." Vin's smile faded and Ezra could see a faraway, sad look peeking out of the blue eyes.
"Before, well, you know." Vin refused to let the past take the pleasant feeling away from him. He smiled at Ezra again and tried to express what he was feeling.
"Ez. I haven't been this happy in a long time. We do all the things we used to do together, but it feels so new to me. We ride. We talk. We're, um, together, and it feels right. I know I'm where I was meant to be. I'm not afraid to face tomorrow anymore."
"I'm truly happy for you, my friend.".
"Thanks, Ez."
Ezra patted Vin on the back, then walked to the bar to order another round. He was happy for Vin, but he didn't fail to notice that Vin never mentioned anything about any custody issues that Chris was facing. It was not like Vin to ignore or run away from his problems and he had no doubt that this would be a problem. Mary Travis would not make this easy for Chris and Vin. Ezra figured that Vin was caught up in the moment and, sooner or later, he would have to deal with the Mary problem. He just hoped that Vin was ready because fate had a way of knocking you out of your saddle when you least expected it.
Ez chanced a glance at Vin and shook his head. Watch your back, Vin. Watch your back.
The night finally ended with the others pouring themselves into cabs before Vin and Chris headed home to the ranch. Chris had stopped drinking hours before the others because this was Vin's night and he had wanted him to enjoy it. Chris felt a hand grab on to his and he smiled when he looked into Vin's glassy blue eyes. It was obvious he was feeling no pain and Chris was humbled to know that Vin trusted him to watch his back.
"Chris," Vin slurred.
"Yeah, Cowboy. What's on your mind?"
" Feels good to be home. I love ya."
"Good to have you home, Vin. Love you too."
"It's good again, Chris. It's good again, ain't it?"
Before Chris could answer he heard the sound of the slow steady breathing coming from Vin's side of the truck. Chris took in the handsome face of the man he adored. He loved to look at Vin when he was sleeping. His face was so young and beautiful. So at peace.
"God, Vin," Chris said in a quiet whisper. "Don't know what to do. Fucking lawyers. How am I gonna tell you? Shit. How do I fix this." Chris let out a long sigh. "Oh....FUCK."
Chris took another look at Vin, then he shook his head and continued home to the ranch.
FOUR
The weeks turned into months and Vin was happy in his life with Chris. The only bone of contention in their relationship now was dealing with Mary. Chris had tried hard to keep his life with Vin separate from his dealings with Mary. Chris had agreed to Mary's demands that his visitation with Hope would take place away from the ranch. He had promised that he would see Hope without Vin being there.
Chris knew that the arrangement hurt Vin, but he was trying to avoid a custody battle and he had to do whatever he could to prevent that.
Vin tried his best to understand but it just hurt him to be shut out of such an important part of Chris' life. He wanted to get to know Chris' daughter, but he knew that Mary would never stand for that. He also knew that eventually Mary would be trouble for them but he pushed those thoughts aside for another day.
When Chris started to have meetings more and more frequently with his lawyer, Vin knew that day was drawing closer. When, after those meetings, Chris' moods were dark and angry. Even when Chris obviously lied to him and told him everything was okay; Vin ignored the warning bells that were furiously ringing in his head. He instead chose to believe the lies that Chris told him, the lies that he wanted...needed to hear.
It was closing in on four months since Vin's return and he was sitting at his desk working on the never-ending paperwork that accompanied their cases when it all came to a head. All the guys except for Ezra had gone out for a long lunch since Chris had another meeting with his lawyer. So when Vin decided to spend his lunch hour at the office Ezra had decided to keep him company.
Ezra was well aware of the angry disposition Chris usually came back with whenever he went to his lawyer's office and it saddened him to know that Vin's heart stood a very good chance of being broken again. After all, what choice did Chris really have? The child would come first. Of this Ezra had no doubt.
Ezra was shaken from his thoughts when Chris stormed into the office. Chris was furious and it showed on his face and in his body language. He rushed passed the two men and headed straight for his office. Just as he reached the door, he stopped and turned around, looking directly at Vin.
Chris's face softened but his eyes didn't lose their fire. "Vin. I need to talk to you. Now."
Vin glanced over at Ezra then he got up and walked past Chris into the office. He jumped a bit when Chris shut the door firmly before coming to stand in front of him.
"What's wrong, Chris?"
"Vin, we have a problem. Mary is gonna take me to court. She wants full custody of Hope."
"Why? I thought the arrangement you made with her was working out. Why would she do this now?"
"Mary was never happy with this arrangement. She's been threatening this for a long time now. I thought...I thought that over time she would see that I could keep my life with you separate from my life with Hope, but...well, she doesn't approve of my lifestyle."
"What you really mean is that she doesn't approve of me." Vin folded his arms protectively in front of him and stared hard into Chris' eyes.
Chris dropped his gaze from Vin's face and nodded. "Yeah. I guess that really is the heart of the matter. I'm sorry, Vin."
Vin's body went cold inside as icy stabs of fear relentlessly crawled up and down his spine. His voice was soft when he asked the question he feared hearing the answer to.
"What are ya trying to say, Chris?"
Chris took a deep breath, trying to make some sense out of the words that were tumbling around in his head. He knew how much he was about to hurt Vin, but he hoped he could make him understand. He had no choice. He just prayed that Vin would understand.
"Vin. We need to be...discreet."
"Discreet?"
"The lawyers say that I need to distance myself from you. That it would be better if people didn't see us together. We'll have to be very careful when we see each other for a while."
Anger was beginning to well up inside of Vin. When he spoke his voice was low and sharp. "You want ta pretend that we're not together? You want to lie to everyone? Shit, Chris. Mary ain't stupid, she won't believe it. Hell, no one is gonna believe it."
"I'm sorry, Vin. I just don't see any other way. Maybe if she thinks we're not together, she'll forget about going to court. Either way, I need to put myself in the best position that I can."
"How's this brilliant plan of yours gonna work when we live together?"
Because Vin had ignored the instincts for self-preservation that had served him so well over his lifetime, he was completely unprepared for the blade of betrayal that Chris was about to plunge into him.
With his eyes on the floor Chris said the words that would once again shatter his best friend.
"You have to move out, Vin."
"Move out?" Vin looked at Chris, the shock clearly visible in his eyes and in his voice. "I gotta leave again?" The voice was raspy and broken. It was almost child-like and Chris knew that he would never forget the sound of it for as long as he lived.
"Vin. It's only temporary. We just have to find a place for you to stay for now. I'll help you and when this is all over, you can come back. This is just for now. You just need to go somewhere else for now...It's not permanent. I'm sure we can find someplace for you."
Chris had no idea how many times in his life that Vin had heard these words before. He had no idea what hearing them again was costing Vin. Feelings he had long since buried were breaking free and crushing his soul. Because he had trusted this man so completely, he had no defense against them, so he did the only thing he could do. He endured.
"Vin."
Chris felt his chest tighten with pain when Vin finally looked at him. He had never seen Vin look at him the way he was now.
"Vin. You're making too much out of this. I told you. It's not forev..."
"Don't." Vin held up his hand and silenced Chris.
With eyes that held the anguish of the lonely, unwanted little boy that he used to be and a voice that held the pain and heartache of the man he now was he said what he needed to say.
"Don't worry none, Chris. There's one thing I was always really good at. One thing that even my foster families and the state homes liked about me. I was always real good at packing my life up in a big garbage bag and goin' out the door nice and quick when they decided that I was too much trouble and they didn't want me any more."
"Vin. Come on. This isn't like that."
Vin gave the man who was ripping his heart to shreds a sad smile at that comment.
"You told me I had to leave the ranch, right?"
"Yes...but..."
"I don't have any say in the matter, do I?"
Chris could not look at him, so he just nodded his head and looked at the floor.
"Feels the same ta me." Vin started to walk out of the office, but stopped and turned to Chris, "cept, this time, it hurts a whole hell of a lot more, being sent away by you."
FIVE
Chris watched as Vin quietly shut the door and headed out of the office.
He was filled with self-loathing and he couldn't shake the feeling that he was a stranger in his own skin. He wondered how he ever let himself lose control of his life like this. He was finding it harder and harder to look in the mirror only to see a stranger staring back at him. The worst part of it all was that while he was trying to make things right for everyone, he just kept hurting the one person who deserved it the least. The one person who he loved the most.
Chris shuddered as he remembered the look in Vin's beautiful blue eyes when he once again took what he needed from him, without giving thought to what it cost Vin to give it. Chris couldn't deny the truth in Vin's eyes. The price was too high. The sorrow and pain in his eyes would haunt Chris for the rest of his life. Shit. Someone should just shoot him and put him out of this misery I've caused. It would be much kinder than what I'm doing to him now. God. How did I make such a mess of things?
Chris shook his head to clear his thoughts. He was about to go after Vin, when he noticed that Ezra was heading out the same door Vin had just gone through. He sat down at his desk and rubbed the throbbing temples in his head. "I'm sorry, Vin. I just can't seem to make things right," he said softly as he rested his head on his desk and tried to get the vision of Vin's eyes out of his mind.
Ezra's heart ached when he saw the look on Vin's face as he left Chris' office. When Vin rushed past him without stopping for his jacket or keys, Ezra figured he knew just where Vin would go. He gave him a few minutes and then grabbed both their jackets and headed to the one place where he knew that Vin found some peace and solitude when the crowds and noise of the city became too much for him.
Ezra opened the door that led to the roof of the building and slowly walked over to Vin, softly calling his name. Vin turned to face Ezra when he heard him approaching.
Good Lord, Chris. What in heaven's name did you say to him? Ezra was totally shocked at the sight of Vin. He had never seen such a defeated look on his friend's face as he did now. Vin was sitting on the ground, shoulders slumped, his head slowly moving from side to side, saying the words "No. Not again," softly, over and over. And the eyes, the eyes were glassy and so sad and desolate. Ezra swore that he could see the spirit and the soul that always shined through them, dying in front of him. At that moment he thought that he would choke the life out of Chris Larabee for causing Vin this unbearable pain.
"Vin," Ezra said quietly. "I'm sorry to intrude, but you appear to be in need of a friend."
Ezra could see that Vin was trying to pull his emotions under control. He hadn't asked him to leave and Vin's need was as plain as day so he ventured closer to his friend.
"Has something changed?" Ezra asked cautiously.
"Aw hell, Ez. Everything and nothing has changed."
The voice was soft, but Ezra didn't miss the sadness of the tone, or the slight bitterness hovering around the edges.
"Would you care to share the burden, Vin?"
He looked up at Ezra, not bothering to hide his grief. He knew that Ezra cared for him and that the offer to share the weight he was carrying was genuine and from the heart. Vin didn't want to unload all the troubles that were building inside of him, but he needed to do it. He just couldn't bear the heartbreak alone.
"He said the lawyer said he needed to distance himself from me. We needed to be discreet and be careful in public. Let people think we're not together. He wants us to lie, Ez. He wants us to live a lie."
"Mr. Larabee thinks the court will be more favorable to his cause without you in the picture?"
"He thinks that if Mary believes that I'm not in his life, than maybe they won't have ta go ta court at all. He wants to give himself the best chance he can at sharing custody of Hope with Mary."
"What do you want, Vin?"
"I want our lives back," Vin snapped. A grimace crossed his face as he curled his hands into tight fists. " I want things to be the way they used to be. Is that asking so much, Ez?"
Ezra's heart went out to Vin, but he cared too much about him to give false reassurances. "In this case, Vin, maybe it is"
Vin flashed Ezra a look of surprise as the southerner's words sunk in. A slight grin crossed his lips as he shook his head slightly. "Not one for pulling your punches, huh, Ez?"
"What are you going to do?"
The grin faded and the sadness invaded the air once again. "Well, reckon I'd better figure out where I'm gonna stay tonight and then figure out where I'm gonna live after that."
Ezra looked at Vin as understanding slowly dawned on him. "Oh, my friend. I am truly sorry." He placed a hand on the tense man's shoulder and squeezed it gently. "He's asked you to move out then?"
"No. He didn't ask." Vin bit out. "I got no say in the matter. He told me I have to go."
For once in his life, Ezra was speechless. He knew he shouldn't be surprised by what he just heard, but he was nonetheless. His friend was suffering so. Ezra didn't think there was anything anyone could do to ease the pain he heard in that soft raspy voice.
"I'm gonna head home, ah, I mean to Chris's ranch and pick up some clothes," Vin said as he slowly got up. He accepted his jacket from his friend and added, "Then I'll check into a motel for a while, until I can find a place to stay."
"Forget the motel, Vin. I won't hear of it. You can be my guest. I have plenty of room at my humble abode. You are welcome for as long as you need it."
Vin was starting to protest when Ezra held his hands up to stop him. "Please, Vin. Let me do this for you. It would greatly ease my mind to know that you are in a safe place and with a friend nearby should you need someone to be there for you."
The sharpshooter looked at the other man for a few minutes, amazed at his luck in friends. "Thanks Ez. I can't tell ya, how much I appreciate it. You're a good friend." He offered his hand to his friend, holding onto it a few moments longer than normal to convey the feelings that he was unable to voice.
"Nonsense. I'm just trying to save myself from having keep track of where you are." Both men laughed at the lie.
"Well, now that we've solved your living arrangements. What are you endeavoring to do about Chris's request?"
"I'm gonna do exactly what he wants me to do." The self-disgust was evident in Vin's voice. He looked Ezra right in the eyes and said, "I have to give it my all, Ez. I have to know that I did all I could to make it work."
"I understand, Vin. Just know that I'll be here for you."
"I know, Ez. Thanks."
"Would you like me to accompany you to the ranch?"
"Nah, I need to do this alone. Just tell him for me... Tell him I'll be waiting at the ranch for him."
"Do you want me to procure your keys for you?"
"Ya already did that, Ez. They're here in my coat pocket."
"Speaking of keys. I'll leave a key under the mat for you in case I am not there when you arrive. I shall see you later at home."
"Kay, Ez. See ya later."
The two men left the rooftop, both lost in their own troubling thoughts. Vin headed for the garage while Ezra headed to the office to tell Chris where Vin would be.
Fate. You truly are a bitch,Ezra thought as he headed into Chris's office.
He took a deep breath and entered the lion's den. I daresay, I hope he remembers not to shoot the messenger.
Once Vin was at the ranch, he tried to focus only on getting his clothes together. He didn't want to think about the reality he was being forced to live. He just wanted to get this over with. He made short work of packing his bag, so he settled himself on the porch in front of the house and waited for Chris to arrive.
Looking down at the beat up old bag that was next to him, Vin found himself struggling against old memories of numerous childhood abandonments and the fresh sting of again being cast aside. How sad, he thought, that a beat up old bag at his side was the one consistent thing in his life. It always turned out this way. Wherever he was sent, whenever he thought he might have found a place to call home, in the end he always ended up sitting in a chair with his possessions in a bag waiting to leave. This is so fuckin' unfair. I'm so tired of this. So tired.
The sound of Chris's truck door slamming shut jolted Vin from his thoughts.
He picked his bag up as Chris stepped onto the porch and stood in front of him.
"Vin. You don't have to leave right this second. Please, let's sit and talk about this."
"Is talking gonna change any of this, Chris?"
Chris slumped his shoulders as he looked at the ground and shook his head.
"Didn't think so. There ain't no point in talkin' this ta death."
"Where are you going to stay?"
"I'll be staying at Ezra's till I can find a place."
Chris grabbed on to Vin's arm as he started to leave. "Please, Vin. Please tell me you understand. I just don't see any other way. I never wanted things to turn out like this. You have to know that. You have to believe that."
Vin closed his eyes and let out a long sigh. He roughly pulled his arm out of Chris' grasp.
"Yeah, Chris. I understand, but that doesn't mean I have to agree with this. Truthfully, I guess I don't really understand how ya can just push me aside once again and expect me to be okay with it. I'm not okay with it, Chris. I'm not okay with any of this at all."
"I know this is hard on you Vin. Hell, it's hard on both of us, but, please, just go with me on this. We'll make it work."
"Fine. I'll do what ya want. We'll be as discreet as ya want and I'll keep my distance like ya want. But know this, Chris. I think this is a mistake and if we try to live a lie, sooner or later even we won't know what's true."
"That won't ever happen, Vin. I won't let that happen. It means the world to me that you're willing to do this for me." Chris leaned in to kiss Vin and was surprised when Vin pushed him away.
"Don't touch me Chris. I said I'd do what ya want, but right now I need to get away from you. It's taking all I have inside me not to beat the crap out of you for doing this to us. I swear, part of me wants to make you hurt like I'm hurting now."
Vin shoved Chris out of his way and headed for his jeep.
"Come on, Vin. Don't leave like this. I don't need you to make me pay for my mistakes too."
Vin came to an abrupt stop, turned and faced Chris, his blue eyes boring into Chris.
"Seems to me that I'm the one who keeps having to pay for your mistakes, Chris."
With that said, Vin slung his bag into his jeep, got in and drove off leaving Chris alone with the truth.
Chris continued to stare after the jeep until all he could see was the dust that was left floating in the air in its wake. Turn around Vin. Come back,he pleaded silently. He waited where Vin had left him although he knew it was in vain. Vin would not be back and it was his own fault.
Chris walked back to the house. As soon as he went inside, he was acutely aware of a coldness that permeated the house. It was as if the very essence of the one who had made this house a home was once again ripped out of it. For Chris, that was the hard truth. He had no one to blame but himself.
He sat in front of the fireplace, staring at the old ashes. Vin was the fire that warmed his heart and soul, and now that he was gone, there were only cold ashes left behind.
The somber man made no move to light a fire. This was a coldness of his own making and as he sat there, he thought that he deserved to suffer, because for the life of him, he just couldn't figure out how to make things right. In his heart he knew that no matter what he did, someone would be hurt and, without a doubt, the one person who would be hurt the most would be Vin.
SIX
Vin sat at his desk reading the real estate section of the paper, trying to find a place to rent. It had been four weeks since he had left Chris' ranch and began the newest chapter of his life. As he stared at the listings, he thought back to his first night at Ezra's.
He had driven to Ezra's straight from the ranch, hurt and angry from the way he had left Chris and was not in the best of moods when he reached Ezra's place. As soon as he had entered the house he was greeted by Ezra. "Ah, my friend, I think I know just what you need. Follow me." Ezra led a bewildered Vin into the gourmet kitchen. Vin could not believe his eyes when the southerner opened two of the cabinets with a flourish. Ezra had stocked his cabinets full of samples of every junk food known to man. Vin would be on a sugar high for as long as he stayed here.
Smiling at Vin, Ezra then had led him to the refrigerator. Opening the door, Ezra laughed at Vin's wide-eyed gaze as he saw what was waiting for him.
"I do believe that you will most certainly find the liquid refreshments quite suited to your, ah...shall I say, unique taste."
"Ez. Ya bought domestic. Damn. Did hell freeze over?"
"Wonderful. Of all the sharpshooters in the world, I had to have the misfortune of befriending one that desires to be a comedian," Ezra said in mock horror, adding, "A bad one at that!"
"Aw, hell, Ez," Vin said, slinging his arm around his friend's shoulders. "Ya know that I'm one of the funniest people you have ever known!"
"It is 'Ezra', Mr. Tanner...'Ezra'." Laughing, both men left the kitchen.
The sentiment behind the food was not lost on Vin. He felt exceedingly grateful and blessed to have Ezra in his life.
"God, Ezra. You didn't have ta go ta all that much trouble for me. I'm only gonna stay tonight. I don't want ta put ya out."
"You are not putting me out. I am happy to have you here and I want you to stay for as long as you need."
"But, Ez..."
"Vin. Look, when you are searching for a new dwelling to reside in, you should be able to take your time. You should find someplace where you want to be, not where you have landed because you had to take anything. Stay here, and take your time. Find yourself a place to call home"
Vin looked back at the kitchen, then at Ezra. "Musta killed ya to put all them sugary treats and all that good ole domestic beer in your shopping cart."
"You have no idea, Mr. Tanner. No idea."
Vin shook his head as he softly said, "Thanks."
Ezra patted him on the back, "Any time."
He was truly grateful to Ezra for opening up his home to him, but he knew it was time to be moving on.
As he scanned the ads, he kept focusing on all the conditions that potential landlords placed on living in their apartments. No animals allowed. No washer/dryers allowed. No this, no that. Just one big list of nos. He knew what it all really meant though. It was just another way for someone to make you leave when they didn't want you around anymore.
The print of the newspaper began to blur because he was staring at the paper so intently, but he was no longer seeing the ads. He was seeing himself at various points in his life. Someone who was always alone. A small child with no one left in the world that cared about him. A young boy sent away time and time again. Never finding a place to call home. A teenager living on the streets who was barely scraping by. A kid who was always moving from one place to another. It was a pattern that had dogged him his whole life.
He snapped out of his dreary thoughts when he heard Ezra calling his name. He banged his hand down on the desk in frustration. "I'm done." He hadn't realized that he had spoken out loud until Ezra walked over to his desk and propped himself on the corner with a smile.
"Did you locate something of interest, Vin?"
"Nope," Vin said, crumbling the paper into a ball. "I don't want to find an apartment."
"Really? Do you plan to cohabitate with me on a permanent basis?" the southerner asked. "Pardon me for enquiring, but I don't remember asking you to marry me."
Vin laughed. Ezra's smile and the warmth in his eyes far outweighed the sarcasm of his voice.
"Ya know, I brought in a lot of big money bounties last year. I was always on the road chasing someone. I didn't have any big expenses, so I saved a lot of money."
"Yes, Vin, and this is leading where?"
"I think it's time for me to set down some roots. I want someplace where no one can make me leave." Vin tossed the paper wad into the trashcan and leaned back in his chair with a sigh. He looked at his friend and twirled his pen nervously. "I want to buy a place of my own. A place that's mine and that no one can take away from me. Can ya help me, Ez?"
"I most certainly can." Moved by the wistful voice, Ezra went to his desk and looked up a phone number from his rolodex. He made a call and after a few minutes, hung up and went back over to Vin. "I called a realtor friend of mine who, in fact, helped me locate my current abode. He will be here at 5:00 to meet with you. He asked if we could all go to dinner so you can talk and he can figure out what you are looking for in a home."
"Thanks, Ez. That'd be great." Ezra squeezed Vin's shoulder and started to walk away, stopping when Vin grasped his arm. "I appreciate this, Ez. It means a lot to me, this...everything." He looked up at Ezra, his smile and the eyes saying all that he couldn't voice.
"My pleasure, Vin." Ezra grinned and walked back to his desk.
From his office, Chris furtively watched the two men as they talked. He was envious of Ezra and his relationship with Vin. It saddened him that Ezra was seemingly stepping into his role as Vin's best friend and confidant. He saw in the two friends an easy camaraderie; a warm friendship and a comfort level with their affection for each other. Chris saw many shades of his and Vin's relationship playing out in the friendship of Vin and Ezra. He saw the way things used to be, before they had to hide their feelings. Before they had lie about their relationship. Before the cracks in the foundations of their relationship began to form and spread.
It had been weeks since Vin had left the ranch. The rest of the guys knew that Vin had moved out and they knew that things had changed between Vin and Chris. They just didn't know what to do to help solve the situation. So, the uneasy feeling was not only between Vin and Chris now. It had spread throughout the entire team.
The two men were never alone together any more. They never went to lunch or dinner together. They never stayed late with each other at the office. Their once unshakable friendship seemed to have disappeared into thin air. Their relationship appeared to be strictly professional now. They only went out together when the team did something as a group, and even then, they kept their distance.
The team knew that there was more going on here than what they were seeing. They realized that with a possible custody battle on the horizon, it was best that they just go with the flow of things. After all, they couldn't give answers to questions if they honestly didn't know all the facts.
And so, this is what Vin and Chris's life had come down to. There were stolen moments together. Meetings in out of the way places and, when they could, there was sex. Not making love, just having sex, taking care of the physical need. Leaving both men unsatisfied and unfulfilled with their emotional needs pushed aside, left alone to wither and die.
The times they spent together were becoming too far and too few between. Most of their meetings ended in bitter arguments, leaving both men fearing that the lie they were trying to live was slowly but surely turning into reality.
Chris tried to shake himself out of his thoughts and concentrate on the work he had to do, but he just didn't have it in him. He spent most of the day just doing some useless paperwork but he really couldn't even get much of that done. He couldn't stop thinking of Vin. He couldn't stop glancing out the office door, trying to get a glimpse of him.
It was almost 5:00 when the elevator bell announced its arrival on their floor. Everyone looked up as a man entered into the office and looked around with an apprising gaze. Ezra walked over with a large smile on his face and shook his hand before introducing him to the rest of the team who was in the bullpen. All of them were there, except for Vin, who was at the copy machine, and Chris who was in his office.
After the general pleasantries were finished and before any of the men could ask Ezra any questions, Vin came back into the office. Ezra walked over to the Texan with his friend and made the introductions.
"Vin. I'd like you to meet my friend and realtor extraordinaire, Jason Gellar."
"Jason. This is my very good friend, and sharpshooter extraordinaire, Vin Tanner."
The two men shook hands. "Nice to meet you." said simultaneously, causing both men to laugh.
Vin flashed a smile at Jason and added, "Just let put these away and we can leave."
Vin bent over to put some files into the bottom drawer of his desk and locked it.
Already smitten with the beautiful blue eyes and killer smile on the handsome face, Jason Gellar could not help but smile when he saw the tight jeans stretched over the perfect ass of one Vin Tanner.
Vin, oblivious to the attention the Jason was giving his body, finished putting the files away, stood up, grabbed his jacket and headed for the door. Jason followed behind Vin with a grin that lit up his whole face.
Ezra did not miss Jason's appreciation of and obvious desire for the handsome sharpshooter. Rolling his eyes up to the heavens he could only think...Good Lord! as he followed the two men out of the office.
Standing un-noticed in the doorway of his office, Chris Larabee also was keenly aware of Jason Gellar's frank admiration of Vin. Chris saw the wanton look that Jason had leveled at Vin. How the man had practically undressed Vin with his eyes. Anger and jealousy were rearing their heads as Chris thought about what he just witnessed.
Chris could not get the image of Vin and Jason out of his mind. He had been watching from the office when Ezra had introduced the two men. He saw them shake hands and his breath had died in his throat as he thought about how striking the two men looked standing next to one another.
Vin, with his long, wavy hair, deep blue eyes, straight white teeth and beautifully carved features was not just a handsome man, he was breath takeningly beautiful. The fact that he was so unaware of how stunning his looks were made him all the more desirable and loveable.
Chris thought about this Jason Gellar. He figured the man to be about the same age as himself. He had very dark brown hair that was cut fashionably short. He had to be at least 6 ft 1 or 2. He was broad shouldered and had that sculptured lean muscle that Chris knew Vin loved. He had the body of an athlete. His skin was tanned and smooth. The face was also blessed with carved features and, although the eyes were not blue, they were just as captivating in a shade of brown that was so dark that it bordered on black. The man obviously shopped in the same stores that Ezra did. His look just shouted success. Incredibly handsome was how Chris would always think of Jason Gellar. He was a man who was completely at ease with himself and with his looks. Chris thought back to the smile and laugh and thought that there was a natural warmth in them. He knew that Gellar was the type of guy that everyone just naturally liked and that made Chris hate him that much more.
Seeing Vin and Jason walking out the door together, he thought that they were such a good looking pair that wherever they were going, they would be turning the heads of both men and woman tonight.
Chris suddenly felt very tired and worn out. Just who the hell was this Jason Gellar and what the fuck did he think he was going to do with his Vin?
Finally noticing that everyone had left for the night, Chris gathered his things and headed out. He closed the door to the empty office and began the trek to his empty house knowing that it was going to be a very long night.
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