Grey
Part of the Colors collection.
I was getting' Vin some horseshoe nails when I found them. I wasn't going through his stuff. He asked me to go and get him some more nails, and he said to look in his pack, there were some loose on the bottom, he thought. I couldn't find them, so I dumped the pack out. I didn't know what to think when I saw them. Well, there were a lot of things I thought, but I didn't like how any of them felt. I knew Vin lived with the Kiowa for a while, not that he talks about it much, but still . . . I never thought of him like that, and I don't like it much.
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I sent him for more nails, and when he didn't come back, I went lookin'. I could tell by the look on his face somethin' was wrong, and then I seen that he'd dumped the wrong pack out. I hadn't been in that pack in a while, and I guess I didn't give it any thought that JD'd come across somethin' he ought not see. These fellers been so much a part of me lately seems like I don't have no secrets sometimes, but then agin, I reckon there are still lotsa things they don't know. I didn't know what to say to him, just stuffed 'em back in the pack and showed him where the nails I needed were.
"Shut yer jaw, JD, let's finish shoein' this horse."
I knew he'd have lotsa questions, I was just hopin' he'd wait on 'em a bit and let me finish this shoein' job. He did, too, keep quiet, I mean, and that musta been hard on him. I could see his mind just runnin'.
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Vin didn't look mad when he come in to find me with his stuff all around me and no nails. He just packed that stuff back up and showed me where the nails were, and said something about how we needed to get that horse shod. So we did. Lucky Vin don't talk much anyway, cause I didn't know what to say, and neither did he. I wanted to go talk to Buck, or maybe Josiah, but that seemed too much like sneakin' around behind Vin's back. He was just waiting for me to ask him about it, I know he was, but I couldn't, cause I just couldn't get it outta my mouth.
Scalps.
Vin had scalps. Two of 'em. One long, blonde hair, the other shorter, dark brown hair. They had to have been white people, I think. But why? Why did Vin have them in his stuff? Did he scalp somebody? If he didn't, why did he have them scalps? If he did, why did he have them scalps?
God, Vin's my friend, and I don't like what I'm thinking about him.
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When I dropped that mare's foot on the ground the last time, when I was finished, I looked over at JD, and he was just about to bust, it was eatin' at him so bad. Hell. I was tryin' to think to tell him we'd take a ride and talk about it, but he just kinda high tailed it outta there. Well, me bein' so quick with words, I don't reckon I blame him. Sometimes I wish I could spit out what I'm thinkin', if I could just sort things out so they made sense when I talked, maybe I could, but I ain't good with words like Josiah. I like how he talks. Not like Ezra, all fancy, just straight and makes sense and sounds kinda like poetry comin' outta his mouth, whatever he says. 'Cept when he's drunk, then he's as big a jackass as any 'a the rest of us.
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I thought Vin was going to say something to me, when he finished he just looked at me but he didn't say a word, and I started thinking, well, maybe he is mad, so I just left. I had to think some more. And the more I think, the more I think he must be mad at me.
I'm kinda mad at him, too, truth be told, cause he shouldn't have those scalps. He just shouldn't. He shouldn't have scalped anybody, that ain't right. That's something the Indians do, not us. It ain't right it ain't right it ain't right. It just keeps running through my mind. A decent person just doesn't do that. Then Vin isn't a . . .
He is.
He is a decent person.
I gotta go talk to somebody about this, but who? Preacher ain't in the church, and besides, what am I gonna say? Hey, Preacher, did you know Vin scalps people? You think God is gonna punish him for this? I mean, we all have done bad things, but, not this, I never would have thought this. The bad things we done, they weren't on purpose, were they? I didn't mean to kill Annie. I didn't mean to, it just happened. But scalpin', that's something done after the killing-well, I hope so, anyway. That ain't something you do to save your own hide, or by accident. That's something you do to brag about killing somebody. I ain't never known Vin to brag about killing anything, even buffalo.
Why would he do this? WHY?
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Took me a long time to catch up with JD, guess he's been all over town since he left the livery. Wonder did he talk to anyone? Just wish he'd talk to me sometimes, he's a smart kid, I like talkin' to him, but he's always goin' to Josiah, or Buck. Reckon I can understand, I ain't the brightest star in the sky, but I learn things from him all the time. Never told him that. Mebbe should.
Hell, I'm done chasin' him, let him work it out for his own self. I'm goin' ridin.
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He came up towards me on the boardwalk, and I could see he was mad. He looked like he was going to say something, then just turned around and walked off, I know he's going riding, I was gonna ask if I could go, especially when he rode up here past me again, and slowed down, but I didn't. Hell, he must think I'm a real ass. Then he turned that big black horse around, and come back, and said,
"Hey JD, I'm goin' ridin', you wanta come along?"
Hell, yes. Long as he don't scalp me.
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I finally worked up the guts to ask him to come along, then I had to figger out what I was gonna tell him. I can't tell him everything about them scalps, hell, I buried some of that stuff so deep I couldn't tell him even iffen I wanted. He sees everything so clear, and I see things so muddled up.
"This probably ain't gonna make no sense to you, JD, but the Indians learnt scalpin' from the French trappers." *
I looked over to see if he was listening, or still mad, and he just looked surprised.
"But I learnt it from the Kiowa."
Still ain't said a word.
"I ain't gonna apologize for having them things. They was bad people, the men that wore that hair. They got less than what they deserved, they handed out a lost worse things to people that were good people."
Yeah, yer makin' sense now, Tanner. He looks like he's gonna throw up.
"I keep 'em to remind me not to be proud, JD. Not to ever think that killin' somebody is gonna make things right, not to ever think again that killin' somebody is gonna solve a problem. I keep 'em to remind me not to lose control. I lost it once, cause I couldn't stand what I was seein'. Couldn't stand to . . . ."
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Suddenly, things don't seem so clear anymore. I was thinking bad things about my friend, and I thought he was mad, and he doesn't seem mad now. He's trying to explain, and I know he's not telling me everything, but jeeze, I don't want to know everything. Please Vin, don't tell me everything!
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We were almost at the ridge when I quit talkin'. JD looks better now, though he still ain't said a word. Hell, I just wish he'd SAY somethin'!
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I wanted to say how sorry I was, for getting in his stuff, for thinking those bad things, but I was having trouble talking, so I just said, "Sorry," and I think he took it wrong, cause he looked real sad and disappointed in me. I guess I don't blame him. Then he got off his horse, and motioned me to come along. He climbed up on this big ledge, and turned around to give me a hand up, then he put his finger to his lips for me to be quiet. And we sat there, on top of that big rock. He had his knees drawn up, and put his arms around his knees, and he looked like he was making himself real small, almost invisible up there. We could see for a long way up there so high, and the wind was just dying, like it does sometimes at sunset. I sat there with my legs dangling off the rock and looked out, and the sun was at the horizon, and it was just so pretty. Gosh, it made the whole day, which had looked pretty piss poor, it made the whole day good again. And I looked over at Vin, to see if he was watching the sunset, and he was. He was lost in it, he was watching it so hard. Things seem clear again, sitting here with my friend, watching the prettiest thing God made, next to sunrise.
The End
*Disclaimer: Native Americans engaged in the practice of scalping before the arrival of Europeans.