"You can't give me what I want, Buck, what I need. You never could."
"And you think Vin can? Well, you're wrong, Chris. He's not Sarah
and he can't give you the things she gave you, not anymore than I
could."
"You're throwing Sarah in my face now?"
"No! Never. But she gave you want you wanted, Chris. That's how
come I could let you go. She gave you a home and a son. I can't
give you those things, and neither can Vin."
"And you think that's what I want?"
"Hell, I know it's what you want. That's why I can't stand to see
you with Vin. You'd be better off with Mary---"
"Don't even talk to me about Mary!"
"Why not? She's not hard to look at. That boy of hers is something
special. She'd give you children, Chris, and a home and anything
else you wanted. She'd even stand up to you when you needed her to,
maybe even when you didn't."
"But I don't want her."
"Then what do you want? A steady fuck? Because you had that, with
me. And, you know what? I'm still here, Chris. I'm still standing
here, waiting for you, wanting things to go back to the way they
were."
"How can they, Buck? She's dead. Sarah's dead and so is Adam.
Nothing's the same, nothing can be."
"So you do blame me. That's it then, isn't it? Despite what you
say, you blame me for their deaths, because we stayed that extra
night in Mexico, because I talked you into it, because we fucked, for
the first time since you and Sarah had been together. And you feel
guilty. Well, I feel guilty, too, Chris! I know what I did. Don't
you think I'd go back and change it all if I could? For you, for
her, for Adam? Do you think I wouldn't give up that one night of
pleasure for them to still be here with us? What kind of a whoring
bastard do you think I am?"
"I don't, Buck. It wasn't your fault. It was mine."
"It wasn't, Chris. If it wasn't my fault, then it wasn't your
either. We didn't betray her. We didn't. Maybe we could have
prevented the fire had we come home instead, but we didn't betray
her. And you fucking Vin instead of me isn't going to change that."
"I don't want to talk about this, Buck. It's none of your business
who I fuck."
"It is when it isn't me that you're fucking. You've done nothing but
flaunt him in front of me since we met up again. You ask me to risk
my life helping the Seminoles, with him right there. Then you tell
me you're leaving again, that you're leaving with him, and he's
standing at your side. Then you find a reason to stay, a stupid
suicide ride out to the James's Ranch, and it's him you bring with
when you come to ask me along. Now what? You're staying? Because
of him? So, where is he now, Chris? I was beginning to think you'd
gotten too yellow to face me alone, to listen to what I might have to
say to you. Well, he's not here, so you best listen up, because I'm
not going to say this again:
"I fucked you, Chris, and you fucked me. We did it because we
enjoyed it, because we enjoyed each other. But, if you think you're
gonna make me jealous, that I'm going to allow you to fuck me over
because of what we've shared in the past, you can forget it. It
stops right now. You wanna go off and fuck that man, be my guest.
But don't expect me to be waiting for you when you get tired of him,
when he disappoints you like all the others have. Don't expect me to
come and pick up the pieces, because I'm not your handmaid and I'm
not your whipping boy.
"You think I've got it all wrong, Chris? If so, you best tell me
right now."
Chris didn't say anything. But he reached up and grabbed Buck behind
the neck and pulled them together into a kiss. Then he slipped his
hand low and rubbed it over Buck's crotch, causing Buck's dick to
swell and harden. Chris knew exactly how to touch him, he always had.
"Have you fucked him yet?"
Chris glared for a moment before answering. "No." It wasn't defeat
Buck heard in his voice; he was sure it was determination.
"But you still want to," Buck said quietly in Chris's ear.
"Hell yeah. Have you seen his ass?"
"Don't compare to mine."
"Well, that's because he's not you, Buck."
"Damn straight, he's not."
Chris leaned back, just far enough that Buck could easily see into
the man's eyes, but not far enough to put any space between their
bodies. "He's not like you, Buck, not at all. Maybe that's why I
want him. He's like me, like I used to be---"
"No, he ain't, Chris. You may think you were like that, you might
even wish you were like that, but you're not, you never were, and you
never will be. He doesn't have your passion; he doesn't have your
intensity. That's always been there, just under the surface, looking
for an excuse to bust out."
"You may know me, Buck, but you don't know him."
"Yeah, I do. I've seen him shoot; I've seen him in a gunfight. I
can tell just by looking at him. I can tell that when he's in the
sack, he goes at it real quiet. Oh, you'd be able to see it in his
eyes, in his face -- how much he was enjoying it -- but he wouldn't
make a sound. And when he came, he'd hold his breath."
Chris swallowed, and Buck could feel against his thigh Chris's cock
growing harder.
"But you, you make these low groans, deep in your throat, like
warning growls. And when you come" -- Buck smiled -- "I can hear you
from half a mile off."
Chris let out a small breath, and Buck could feel the heat against
his face.
"And it's a gratifying sound. A sound that reminds a man what it is
to be alive." Buck slid his hand between them, cupping Chris's
erection, squeezing and rubbing. Chris pushed his hips forward,
grinding himself against Buck's palm. "But if you want Vin..." Buck
said as he pushed Chris away.
"Damn you, Wilmington."
Buck smiled again. "Make up your mind, Larabee. Me or him?"
"What if I don't want to choose?"
"Well, you can't have us both."
"Why not?"
"Don't reckon you could convince Vin of it, for one thing."
"You so sure of that?"
Buck nearly laughed. A dozen years ago, Chris wouldn't even change
his clothes in the same room as him, now the man was suggesting this?
"Well, you go right ahead then, Mr. Confidence. You get him into bed
and I promise, I'll make him scream for you."
They shook hands on the deal, and Buck used the opportunity to pull
Chris back in for another kiss. He'd never forget the flavor of
cheroot and whiskey -- it was Chris to him and it always would be.
The End
