ATF Universe
It's not something I like to think about. Even now, the horror of it all still haunts me, sometimes in nightmares, sometimes in the light of day when I pass that spot...on the road home. The memory of the accident comes at me from all sides; every thudding of my heart, every horrible image that ran through my mind then, still manages to take up residence in my memory. I've tried to evict them on the grounds of disturbing the peace, but they refuse to go. I suppose I should be grateful...at least they pay rent. Not like I need to be reminded of the 'what if's' that seem to plague our existence. That's not what the memories do.To relay what they do, I need to go back to that night almost six months ago...to those two desperate minutes when I felt my world spin out of control, when I felt the life fade from my soul...when I felt the worst fear in my entire life. When I realized I never told Vin how much I loved him...
Six Months Before...
Vin was worn out. I could see the weariness in his blue eyes, the dark circles around them, making him look haunted, but there was also a relative ease to his features, too. He had been working on the report with JD Dunne for the last two nights, sewing up an airtight case against a gunrunner from Colombia. They had turned it over to me an hour before and then had settled back to begin researching a new undercover operation, when I saw Vin practically fall asleep at his desk. It was raining outside and I didn't want him driving home, ready to fall asleep at the wheel. I decided both he and JD deserved to knock off early. I smiled shaking my head. Vin had been through rough waters on this case. I needed to guide him back to shore. "Vin?" I whispered quietly to him as I perched on the corner of his desk. He instantly broke free of his doze. "Huh? What? Chris?"
I chuckled. "Go home, Vin. Take the rest of the day off. You, too, JD," I called over to the youngest member of our ATF team. "You've both worked hard these last few days and could use some rest."
JD didn't think twice as he grabbed his coat and headed for the elevator that would take him to the garage below. "See you in the morning, Fellas." He turned to his roommate who was smiling and waving at him from his desk. "Buck, try to keep it quiet when you come home from your date tonight. I need my sleep."
"The way you're lookin', Sunshine, I'll be as quiet as a mouse," Buck replied with a slight joking tone.
Vin looked up at me with a weary smile. "All I need is a nap, Chris, and I'll be good to go for tonight." He spoke quietly so the others in the bullpen wouldn't hear. The other members of our team knew of the relationship I shared with Vin, but we didn't need to kiss and tell, so bedroom talk was kept to a low roar. I smiled, shaking my head and leaned forward, lowering my voice. "One night off isn't gonna hurt us, cowboy. Go home, get some much deserved sleep. I'll be home in a few hours and you won't even know I'm there."
Vin shook his head. "Ya' know dang well I'll know," he said as he stood from his chair and turned off his computer. "But I reckon you're right. Wouldn't want to yawn while doing it and have ya' start coming down with an inferiority complex."
As he pulled his black leather jacket from the back of his chair and turned to head for the elevator, I playfully kicked him in the ass. He just looked over his shoulder and grinned that shit-eating grin of his. Damn, he still looks sexy even when he's bone tired. How in the hell does he do that? I watched his lethargic steps, his slumped shoulders. He was wiped out and I resigned myself into taking a cold shower that night. Besides, I still had work to do on the second half of Vin's anniversary gift. In one week we could celebrate an entire year together and I had something very special to commemorate such a meaningful time in my life, but it wasn't finished yet. I could use the night off to work on it.
Buck approached me and a mischievous grin sparkled in his eyes. "Sometimes I envy you, Chris. One year and you still can't keep your eyes off of him."
"You'll know the feeling, Buck," I replied. "When and if you ever decide to be serious and start buying instead of window shopping." I slapped him affectionately in the gut and headed back to my office. I still had two hours to go before I could go home and look at Vin through my eyes. If that sounds strange, it won't when I reveal why I said that.
+ + + + + + +
Quitting time finally came and I found the rain had not stopped. It was pouring down as I drove home. The sky was growing dark with the oncoming evening and the highway that led out of town and into the country where my ranch was, came into view. I took the turn and headed up the road with my headlights catching the rain. Trees lined the sides of the road and with flashes of lightning I saw them waving in the wind. I hoped Vin remembered to turn on the heat before hitting the bed. He's susceptible to cold and can easily come down with the flu if he doesn't keep warm.
About ten minutes later I saw the accident scene. The flashing lights of police cars, the flares that circled the area, the paramedic trucks and ambulances. Then I glimpsed the coroner's wagon and saw the yellow blankets covering two bodies on the road. Damn! Fatalities! I felt a thud in my gut as I realized those two people would not be going home to the ones they loved. Then I saw the vehicles involved. Head on collision. One was a white Dodge Ram truck, with the driver's side caved in making it look like someone had punched it almost in half. The other was...dear God! A black jeep! It's front end turned to the side and smashed in like a squeeze-box. My heart caught in my throat. "Vin!" I slammed on the brakes and stared at the image in muted horror. Vin's jeep. No! Dear God! No! I sprang from my truck and ran to the nearest police officer, pulling out my ID. "I'm Chris Larabee, Denver ATF Team Seven. Where's the driver of that jeep?" I pointed, my heart racing. I tried to sound professional, tried to maintain control, but my voice was shaking and it wasn't due to the cold.
The officer glanced at my ID and nodded in acceptance. He looked at me sorrowfully. "Do you know who drives that jeep?"
"I think so. I need to be sure. Where is he?"
The officer pointed his flashlight over at the coroner's wagon. "They're loading him in now."
My heart froze in my chest. My world came to a nuclear explosion halt, scorching, seething, blatantly apocalyptic. I trudged through the mud and puddles. The air was cold and biting, but I didn't feel it. The rain pelted my face, but I didn't feel it. My boots were soaked, my feet supposedly should have been freezing, but I didn't feel it. I suddenly found myself at the wagon and looked down at the body bag on the gurney. The coroner and his team were getting ready to load the gurney into the wagon. "Wait. Chris Larabee, ATF. I need to see him."
The man who I took to be the coroner looked at me for a long moment. "It's not a pretty sight, Mister Larabee."
"Please! I need to see!"
The man sighed heavily and began to unzip the bag. I stole myself, my breathing uneven, my throat dry. Ironic, all this water around and my throat was drying up. Then I saw the face, the head. Short red hair. "Name's Bill Matthews," the coroner said. "You know him?"
I stared at the face that didn't belong to my Vin and I looked up at the coroner. "He's...the driver of the jeep?"
"That's right. Poor guy. Died on impact. Looks like the white truck spun out of control and right into this guy's path. Hit him dead on."
I shook my head. "No. I don't know him. Thought he was someone..." I didn't say anymore. I ran back to my truck and climbed in. I don't remember putting the truck in gear. I don't remember speeding back onto the road. I just remember I needed to get home. Needed to see Vin. Needed to see with my own eyes that he was all right.
+ + + + + + +
I saw Vin's jeep parked in its usual slot in the driveway and I slowed down, feeling the ache in my chest ease into the storm of relief. The tears fell as my fear gave way to downright joy. I parked next to the jeep and turned off the engine. I stayed in my truck, just staring at that beautiful black jeep that rested by mine all intact. It was intact! My Vin was home. He had not been in any accident. He was home. But I still needed to see him. I still needed to see those blue eyes laugh with life. I needed to feel his arms around me. The tears still fell. Hell! I couldn't walk in like this. I needed to get control of myself. I didn't want to be bawling like a baby when I saw him. He'd probably be asleep and I didn't want to wake him up, but I'd settle for just looking at him, just watching him sleep. As long as it was the sleep of the living and not of the dead, I could content myself with that much.
I leaned my head back and let out a heavy breath, and then shut my eyes as the tears fell heavier. The rain outside had nothing compared to the sobs that broke out of me in that moment of pure relief. I waited for my particular storm to pass. It took a half-hour. I'm not a man prone to tears, but after what I witnessed that night, I figured I had a right to these. Damn straight.
When I finally had regained some control, I pocketed my keys and stepped out of my truck. My knees wobbled. Figured I had a right to that reaction, too. A chuckle forced itself out of me and I shook my head, wiping both the tears and the rain from my face. I walked, shakily, to the door. The lights were off in the house, but a fire's glow in the front window told me Vin had lit the fireplace. Was probably sleeping on the couch. I carefully opened the door and stepped inside. I quietly closed the door behind me and looked over at the couch. There he was sleeping soundly; dressed in his blue jeans and nothing else. I watched him for a few moments, and I saw the up and down movement of his chest and I let out a grateful breath. He was so damned beautiful...he was so alive. I just wanted to watch him. I don't know how long I stood there, unable to tear away, but my feet were planted, my eyes were locked. I could've stood there all night if need be.
Vin stirred and his eyes opened. He looked up at me and smiled. "Hey, cowboy."
I just stared. My voice couldn't work.
He stood up in a flash and hurried to my side. "What is it? What's wrong?" He saw my face. I knew I must've looked a fright because he quickly wrapped his arms around me. "You're shaking, Chris. What is it? Why've ya' been cryin'?"
I gently, slowly, wrapped my arms around him and pulled him close. I know I was wet from the rain, but he didn't seem to care. "Tell me," he urged.
"Saw..." I cleared my throat and felt the emotion swirl up anew inside me. I buried my face into his hair and wept. "An accident. Black jeep...coroner's wagon. Thought it..."
"Oh, God, Chris!" His hold tightened. I felt his hands on my back, rubbing up and down as he held me close to him. "I'm here, cowboy. I'm right here. I'm all right."
I dug my fingers into his back and breathed in his scent. "Don't let go," I whispered.
"Never in forever, Chris," he replied. I smiled at that. This was Vin's take on the saying, 'Never in a million years'. He figured a million years wasn't long enough for us, so he just tagged a new word at the end of that saying. I loved him for that sentiment, but at that moment I realized how short forever could be.
He seemed to know what I needed, as he always does, and he kept his arms around me as he led me back to the couch. We sat down together and held each other tight. "Let's get ya' more comfortable," he said as he carefully removed my coat and tossed it on the arm of the couch. Then his arms were back around me and he was kissing my neck. "I'm here, Chris. I ain't lettin' go."
"Just...need...to feel you, Vin. Just to rest next to you. I don't think I can do much more tonight. Not right now at least."
"It's all right. Sex is just icing on the cake, cowboy. Right now we need to make sure the cake don't crash. The icing can be put on later."
He leaned back against the other arm of the couch and pulled me down with him. "Hold onto me, Chris, fer as long as ya' need."
I rested my head onto his chest and he put a hand to my hair, caressing it with that touch that solely belonged to him. I felt his left leg wrap around my legs as his right leg hung off the side of the couch, giving me room to rest. I inched my hands up under his back and grasped his shoulders. I kissed his chest, working my mouth up to his collarbone, gently nibbling it. He continually kissed my head as I explored every inch of his torso. I could tell he wasn't worried about sleeping. "Why didn't you go onto bed when you got home?" I asked.
He smiled and I could hear it in his voice. "Ya' weren't there. Couldn't sleep."
I lifted my mouth to his and he wrapped his lips over mine, our tongues dancing in that aching need to connect. I then began to splay kisses over his face. He closed his eyes and let me do what I needed to ease my fears. "Never been so damned scared, Vin," I whispered as I kissed his cheek and temple, his forehead and nose, his closed eyes. "Felt like I was dying."
"You're alive, cowboy," he whispered back. "We're alive. Just hold on. We'll get through this."
I kissed his neck and worked my way down to his chest again. Then I rested my ear against the area over his heart. Nothing could be heard but our breathing and his heartbeat. He continued to caress my head. "Sleep now," he said. "Close your eyes. I ain't goin' anywhere."
I did close my eyes and I let his heartbeat lull me to sleep. It was the best music I had ever heard in my life.
The sound of thunder awoke us a few hours later. Startled we instinctively clutched each other, then we grinned and I saw the mirth in Vin's eyes. The glow of the dying embers in the fireplace cast him in an ethereal light and he looked at me, the mischievous look fading into knowing. "Ya' all right?" he asked."Better," I replied and leaned forward, kissing him softly, but with passion.
He chuckled as we kissed. "Think my leg's asleep, cowboy," he spoke in that teasing drawl of his. "Gonna have to carry me up the stairs if'n I don't get it awake."
I continued to kiss him, never breaking rhythm as I replied. "Carrying you is good. I could do that."
"I'd break your back, Chris," he chuckled again and his chest moved with the action. I felt the mirth inside of him and warmed at the realization I still had him in my life to fill me. "'Sides, I ain't no woman fer ya' to have to treat me like that."
I waggled my eyebrows. "Who said anything about carrying you like a woman?" I jumped up from the couch and grabbed his arm, pulling him over my shoulder in a fireman's carry. He let out a surprised 'whoop' and gasp. "Larabee! Put me the hell down!" he cried out, but I could hear it in his voice he enjoyed this. Then I started turning around in circles. "Shit!" he cursed. "You're gonna make me puke my guts!"
I stopped. "Thanks, Tanner, for that very vivid image," I said as I slowly set him back on his feet. He winced and his knees buckled. I caught him; concerned I had hurt him in the act of throwing him over my shoulder. "Vin?"
"Damn leg's waking up, is all. I'm fine. Shit! Hate those pins and needles!"
He stomped on his leg and hissed each time, until the shooting pain stopped and he was able to stand unaided. I took his arms. "You should have woke me up sooner."
"Was asleep, Chris. Didn't think about it."
We gazed at each other, our arms wrapped around each other's waists. "Need to put another log on the fire," he suggested.
The look in his eyes. Damn! It reminded me of the first half of my present to him. "Vin...would you let me do something for you?"
He gripped me tighter as he leaned in to kiss my jaw and neck. "What'd ya' have in mind?"
I smiled and shuddered as his breath swept over my skin. He was going for my ear and sometimes, when he breathed into the canal so deliberately, I would reach climax then and there. I heard it said those were called ear-gasms. Well, aptly named, was all I could say. And Vin could take me to the edge every time.
I pulled his head away and softened my somewhat involuntary rejection of his moves with a kiss. He tasted so good, his lips grasping mine, his tongue seeking to play tonsil hockey for all it was worth. I could lose myself in his kisses. I felt the erection beginning and once more I had to call a halt. I pushed away and cupped his face in my hands. "I promise the cake is ready for the icing, but I just want to sweeten it up a bit more."
He smiled. "What? You're getting' that mysterious look, cowboy. What'cha thinkin'?"
"I want you to set up another log and stretch your legs a bit. I'll be back quicker than lighting."
He sighed as he released me. "Take your time. I need to use the john anyway," he said as he headed for the bathroom under the stairs. I smiled and jumped into action. I hurried out to the garage and looked behind the boxes stacked along the back wall. There it was, undamaged, still wrapped in the brown butcher paper. I pulled out the present and hurried back in. Vin was still in the bathroom and I smiled with the anticipation. I quickly unwrapped the present and set it on the couch, covering it with the afghan. Then I turned on the living room light. I gazed at the covered object on the couch and sighed. I was getting excited to see his reaction. I could only hope he would like it. I had spent weeks on it, just searching for the right ideas. My only hope was that his dire need for privacy wouldn't be threatened.
I heard the toilet flush and the water from the sink run. Then he stepped out, shutting off the bathroom light. I walked over to him as he stretched and yawned. His arms reached for the sky and I reached up, taking both his wrists in my hands. He smiled as the yawn diminished. "Now, what is this thing ya' want to sweeten the cake up with?"
I grinned as I leaned down to kiss him once more. I brought his arms down and entwined them behind his back. We began to sway together as I spoke. "I know it's a week early, Vin, but I want to give you half of your anniversary present right now."
His eyes widened. "Now? Really?"
"Mm-hmm. Come here." I gently pulled his arms in front and walked backwards leading him to the couch. He looked at me curiously and I couldn't help my grin. "You know how I've been locked in the shed these last few weeks? How I wouldn't let you come in?"
"Yeah?"
"I was working on your present, half of it, anyway. I just finished two nights ago." I led him to where we both stood in front of the couch, the coffee table between us. He looked at the square shaped item under the afghan. "Ya' gave the couch an erection," he observed, his face dead serious. "How erotic of ya', Chris."
I playfully hit his arm. "Stop it," I scolded, trying not to laugh, but failing miserably.
He chuckled and shook his head. "Sorry, couldn't help myself. Got sex on the brain right now."
"Damn, you're uncontrollable."
"I know it. And ya' love that about me, too. Don't deny it."
"There's more to you than sex that I love, cowboy. Don't you deny that." I gestured with my hands for him to stay right where he was and I walked around to the side of the couch. I grabbed the corners of the afghan and turned to look at him. I wanted to see his first reaction at the unveiling. "Ready?"
"Come on, Chris! I wanna see!"
I pulled off the afghan and watched Vin's face. The smile faded, his mouth dropped open. His eyes widened. For a rather long moment he said absolutely nothing. I saw him shakily walk to the coffee table and sit down, never tearing his gaze away from the object in front of him. "That's..." he whispered out hoarsely. "That's...me."
I went to my knees beside him and wrapped my arm around him in a side embrace. "It's you, Vin. I wanted to put them all in one space, flowing into each other like differing currents of the ocean. For you are like the ocean to me, Vin. This is how I see you in everyday life."
He turned to look at me, and I could see the emotion filling his eyes. "I...didn't know ya' could draw, Chris."
I reached up and brushed his hair from his face. "I used to draw all the time, when Sarah and Adam were alive. When they died..." I shook my head. "Nothing seemed to spark the desire inside me...until you came into my life. You always paint for me, Vin, with your words. I wanted to capture you on canvas, to paint you the way I saw you."
He turned back to the picture and shook his head, amazed. "I...I can't...don't know...what to say."
"Say nothing, then. I can see it in your face."
We both remained there and studied the picture. It was a collage of images I had seared into my memory, all fading into each other. Vin on Peso, riding him with the wind through his hair. That one blended in with Vin on his motorcycle, wearing sunglasses and his black leather jacket, both showed him grinning with the love of freedom. That one faded into an action sketch of Vin playing basketball and slam-dunking. Another one of him leaning his shoulder against the porch railing outside the house holding a can of beer, his other hand hanging from his belt; a smile on his lips. "Ya' took that picture from the bar-b-que last Fourth of July," he commented with a low voice, full of wonder. I nodded solemnly. "The first holiday we shared after you moved in."
He pointed to the next image. "That weren't no picture ya' took, was it?" he asked as he gazed at the sketch. The image showed him sitting on the chair on the front porch, his legs stretched out and crossed at the ankles, his hands folded over his stomach. He was sitting gazing out over the countryside, while in the background the sun was sinking. It was one of my favorites I had drawn strictly from memory. A profile angle, that showed his peacefulness. "No, Vin, just a picture in my mind," I answered. I deliberately set that one below the one of another profile shot, him aiming his rifle to fire. The contrast fit somehow. Another one of him and Peso, him standing beside the horse's neck, his eyes closed as he pressed his temple to Peso's jaw. How he loves that horse and I remembered that moment so vividly as if it happened only a few moments ago. All these images blended together in a circle to frame the largest image of all. His face and hair. All images were done in pencil and charcoal...this one as well, with one slight difference. I had put blue for his eyes. The expression on the main image was of him staring off into the distance, to the side, in that thoughtful look that I know so well. I was pretty damn proud of the likeness, if I do say so myself. Lord knows I've had enough moments to study his face enough to capture it, to draw him without him modeling.
I looked at him and I saw the tears streaming down his face. "Damn, Chris," he said, softly. I kissed his temple. "You like it, then?" I asked. I don't know why I asked that. I suppose it was from the fear of knowing how much he guards his privacy. To show him such an obviously intimate portrayal of how I see him, I needed to know he could accept it without feeling I had intruded into his space.
He snorted, as he ran the back of his hand over his eyes. He turned to me and pulled me close, resting his cheek on my shoulder. He said nothing and I just held him, caressing my hands over his back as he had done for me earlier that night. "Needed you to see it tonight, Vin. After what happened, I couldn't wait."
I felt him nod in understanding. "Glad," he rasped out, his throat tight with emotion. For a few minutes I let him release his tears. I didn't really know what reaction I was expecting. I suppose the one I was witnessing was really the only one there could have been. Vin had not lived a happy life. He had never really had anyone he could set down roots with. Our relationship was still so fresh and new to him, that he sometimes couldn't understand how I could love him so much. It was a bittersweet feeling for me as I was saddened for the loneliness he had lived with all of his life, and yet, thrilled that I was able to fill that void for him. I have never doubted his love for me. Everyday I can see it in the way he looks at me, the way he trusts me...the way he makes love to me. No one would ever think of Vin as a toucher. Normally he keeps people out of his space. But when I'm near, he'll reach out, brush my hand or arm. He'll come up behind me and rest his chin on my shoulder as I'm reading the paper or a report. I look at it as an honor in many respects. He trusts me to invade his space. By touching me, he invites me into it. I had hoped I did not over step my bounds in drawing this picture. His trust was just too damn important for me to threaten in anyway.
As if sensing my doubts, he clutched me tighter to him and kissed me on the neck. "Never had anyone give a damn about me so much, cowboy. You've touched my soul tonight."
I closed my eyes and let out a grateful breath. "Thank you, Vin."
Finally he pulled away and I reached up to brush the tears away. The clock chimed midnight. We just stayed there, looking at each other. "I do, you know," I said.
"What? Love me that much?"
I leaned toward him and met his lips with mine. He smiled. "I take that as a 'yes'."
"Yes, definitely," I said, kissing him with each word. "Unequivocally, passionately, resoundingly, with all my heart, all my soul, all my life, without question, beyond a shadow of a doubt."
He laughed and threw his arms around my neck. "Make love to me, cowboy, or lose me forever!"
I felt lighter than air. All the fears of that night had been put to rest. "All right, Top Gun," I snarled into his neck. "But can you handle mach three?"
"Yes." Kiss. "Definitely." Kiss. "Beyond doubt." Kiss. "Beyond reason!"
I stood and grabbed him by the arm, pulling him over my shoulder once more. His laughter filled the house. "Damn, Larabee! Ya' oughta draw more often! Brings out the animal in ya'!"
"Wait till I get you into bed, Tanner. Cake's ready for that icing!"
"Ya' know the rules!" he shouted as I went to turn off the light and headed for the stairs. "I get to lick the bowl!"
I headed up the stairs, careful not to lose my balance and cause us both to tumble. Damn! In spite of it all, it had turned out to be a wonderful night! And judging from Vin's excitement, it was going to get a hell of a lot better!
I awoke the next morning to find Vin's side of the bed empty. It was time to get up, but I just lied there for a few minutes longer, drinking in the memories of the night before. I had worn Vin out, and he had fallen into a deep sleep. I had gone to the bathroom after our passionate display of connection and before I left the bathroom, I had seen him lying on his side, the sheets and blankets covering his body only from the hips down. I didn't turn off the light, but went to my bureau to the bottom drawer. I rummaged through the clothes and brought out my sketchpad and pencil. I softly walked back to the side of the room and sat down against the wall where I could see Vin clearly in the glow of the bathroom light. I began to sketch. His left arm was stretched out with his head resting on it. His right arm was over his chest, resting on the bed in front of him. The top of his hip was revealed just enough by the sheet. His hair was strewn partially over his face, but not enough to where it was completely covering his closed eyes. He looked beautiful and I couldn't stop the need to capture his image on paper. I sketched for an hour, studying him carefully each time I put the pencil to paper. Each curve of his body was ingrained in my mind. Each muscle of his arms and chest were like Braille to me. I could 'see' them in the dark with my hands. His hands, masculine, yet beautiful with slim, long fingers. The curve of his palm into his thumb. His wrists, slim, but powerful. These are what I saw when I sketched him. These are what I saw when I explored his body not only with my hands, but my eyes and mind. I finished the picture and gazed at it with a mixture of pride and warmth.It had been a long time since I had held a passion for this craft. As Vin had given me back my life that day almost two years ago, when we first met, so had he given me back my love of drawing.
I thought about how long I had sat there on the floor, my back to the far wall, just holding the sketchpad and reveling in the finished product. Vin had moaned and I feared he would awaken to find what I had done. I couldn't let him see it. Not yet, so I slid the pad and pencil under the bed and rested my arms on the mattress. He had awoken and smiled and reached out his hand. "What ya' doin' awake, cowboy?"
I had smiled. "Watching you sleep."
His outstretched arm was enough invitation and I had crawled back in beside him and pulled him against me. We had fallen asleep like that.
I thought about the sketchpad and quickly threw the covers off of me. I reached down and retrieved it then gasped at what I had drawn. Even in the partial light of the bathroom, I could not truly see it. The morning sun showed it in a new light. I gazed at the picture and smiled with pleasant satisfaction. It was good. I wasn't nearly as rusty as I thought I was. I would brush it up later, but for right now I was content.
Unwilling to chance Vin walking in and seeing it, I quickly went back to the bottom drawer of the dresser and hid it under the clothes again, along with the pencil. Vin would see it, soon enough. It wasn't time, yet.
I wondered where Vin was and put on my robe to head downstairs. I found him sitting on the coffee table looking at his present. He looked up as I came down the stairs. "Mornin'," he said with a half grin.
I walked up and sat next to him, smiling.
He shook his head. "Can't stop lookin' at it, Chris," he explained. "Does that make me Narcissistic or somethin'?"
I chuckled. "Vin, believe me, you've got a lot to be vain about, but you are the most modest person I have ever had the honor of knowing."
"Then why do I want to just look at this? Why can't I tear away from it?"
I took a moment to gather my response and decided the Socratic method was in order. "Do you like it?" I asked, softly, letting him know it wasn't a compliment I was fishing for.
"Like it? Hell, Larabee! I love it! You're so damned talented. The shading, the blaze on Peso's nose, the folds in the clothes, even the rifle I use, every damn detail screams out to be noticed."
"I see. And what about you, Tanner? Do you like the way I drew you?"
Vin sighed heavily and gazed at the portrait with modesty. "It's almost like lookin' in a mirror. Ya' even got that small scar over my lip in there."
"Vin...you see the physical, the surface, but what do you feel when you look at it?"
He shrugged. "I don't know. Surprised, I reckon."
"Why surprised?"
He shook his head and his voice went low. "Never knew what it was like to have someone notice every damn detail of me."
I leaned over and gently kissed him on the temple. "You're reveling in my love for you, Vin. That's all this is. And that's what I wanted for you when I started drawing this. Your reaction is more than I could have hoped for. It pleases me that you love it, that you want to stare at it."
Vin went quiet, not unheard of for him, but this quietness went deeper than just his personality. He looked down, a sadness covering his face. "What?" I asked, knowing he wanted to say something meaningful, but was finding it difficult.
He shook his head and stood, walking away a few steps. "I can't think of anythin' to get you for our anniversary that can top this," he gestured to the portrait.
I had to smile. Standing, I walked over to him and turned him to face me. "You all ready gave me my present, Vin. When you walked into my life and then into my heart. You don't know how dead I was inside, until you became a part of me. This anniversary is not about what we can give to each other, but celebrating what we've all ready given to each other. Last night...when I thought you had been killed...and then seeing you alive, unharmed...it was the best damn present I could ever get. Nothing material can ever top you here...with me."
He lowered his head and I leaned forward, kissing him on that beautiful forehead.
He wrapped his arms around me and rested his cheek against my shoulder. "I love the picture, Chris, but you're right. Nothin' can top everythin' we all ready have."
I held him tight, just reveling, myself, in the feel of him being close...being alive. I didn't want to let him go. Vin seemed to understand because I felt his hands gently rub up and down my back. The clock chimed seven and we both sighed. I wanted time to stand still, but time waits for no man. "We're gonna be late," Vin said, not in any hurry to move out of the embrace.
"I know," I replied, not letting him go.
"I have to get with Ez fer our new case," he reasoned.
I smiled. "You trying to get rid of me, Tanner?"
"Well, no, but the guys wouldn't understand the real reason we're runnin' late. They wouldn't know about what happened to ya' last night. They'll just think lust overran our common sense again. Too many days runnin' late together and the top brass will start askin' questions. Why beg fer trouble?"
I sighed. "I hate it when you throw the caution signs at me, tracker."
"Yeah, but ya' always thank me later."
I put my hands to his shoulders and pushed him away. I kissed his forehead one more time. "All right. Is the sludge you call coffee all ready made?"
"Made it the way ya' like it, this mornin'. Paper's on the table, breakfast fixin's are ready to cook."
I walked away and patted him on that inviting butt of his. "Get dressed, by the time you come down, breakfast will be ready."
But Vin followed me into the kitchen first. He liked to take his coffee up with him, so I didn't pay it any mind, not until I saw the paper on the table and the headline caught my eye. "3 Killed in Highway Pileup. Bad Weather Blamed."
I froze. Vin was at my side and behind me, gazing up at me. He knew the headline would be there. That's why he didn't want to leave my side, yet. He knew I would see the headline and react just like I was doing then. I looked down and read a bit of the story. "This is the accident ya' saw last night?" Vin asked in a whisper.
I nodded. "Looks like," I replied, my voice growing hoarse. I read the names of the victims, but only one flashed out at me. Bill Matthews, age 25. I cringed. I had gazed down at this young man's lifeless face. I had seen the result of the accident. Now that I knew Vin was all right, the emotions of that moment hit me again and I sat down on the chair at the table. Vin squatted beside me and put his hands on my arm, rubbing it. "I can call the police that were on the scene," he said. "I can find out where his family is. We can go today if'n ya' want."
I looked down at him. It shouldn't have surprised me that he would know what I had been thinking. His blue eyes met mine with that understanding of his that went so deep I sometimes felt I was drowning in it.
"Lessen of course, ya' don't want me to tag along, I could..."
I put my fingers to his lips and shook my head. "You're going with me." And in another wave of emotion I pulled him into my arms and shut my eyes. I knew I wouldn't be able to visit the family of that young man without my balance beside me. Besides, I had an ulterior motive. I simply did not want Vin too far away from me, today. It was a need I wasn't ashamed to admit.
"Then let's not waste time with breakfast," he said. "We'll grab some donuts at the office and get started findin' out where his family is. Come and take a shower with me."
I smiled. Vin had not only read my mind, but he had given me another idea for the second half of his present. It occurred to me I could start calling him my Muse, but he'd deck me for that. Common sense dictated I keep that nickname to myself.
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