SIX
Vin lay still in the bed, hardly daring to breathe, let alone speak, as the gunslinger reached out and ran a thumb gently over his lips. He stifled a moan as the long, supple fingers threaded themselves through his hair, trailed down his neck, and began tugging at the cotton shirt he wore until it pulled free from his waistband, allowing the hands access to the bare skin beneath.Hesitantly, he pulled the gunslinger closer, breathing a sigh of relief as his companion came easily into his arms. He stared into the heavy lidded green eyes, still slightly glazed from the effects of the whiskey. Chris stared back solemnly for a moment, then, as if something had been decided within him, he pressed his lips against the tracker's. They tasted of whiskey. Vin didn't need any liquor though. He felt like he could get drunk just from the sensation of those warm, surprisingly soft, lips on his.
He opened his mouth slightly and Chris obligingly slid his tongue in, running it gently over his lips and all around. Vin moaned, unable to keep silent any longer. A shudder ran through him as his companion begin nibbling the corners of his mouth, then began raining delicate kisses all along his jaw. He clenched his fingers tightly, hard enough to leave marks on the gunslinger's pale skin as he nipped lightly on Vin's neck. Chris continued nipping gently down his neck, flicking his tongue out each time to soothe the slight pain it caused. Oh God. Vin would be happy to endure pain like this for all eternity. He was so hard already, he felt like he was gonna burst. Just from a few kisses. Where was his control? He sat up quickly, breathing hard.
A hint of alarm showed in his companion's green eyes at Vin's abrupt action. The tracker reacted instinctively, leaning down to brush his lips against the other man's brow.
"Aint goin' nowhere, cowboy." he whispered. "Just feelin' a mite overdressed, is all."
Chris relaxed visibly, but remained silent. He watched as Vin struggled with stubborn buttons that were intent on defying his suddenly clumsy fingers. A flicker of a smile crossed his face and he raised his eyebrows when Vin hesitated at the waistband of his pants. The gunslinger was shirtless but still wore his familiar black denims.
Vin obediently slid the pants down over his hips and tossed both them and his shirt in the direction of the chair. He turned back to the gunslinger. "Hardly seems fair, now." he drawled teasingly, running his hand suggestively over one of the other man's denim covered thighs.
Chris' smile faded abruptly and an indecipherable look appeared on his face. Vin drew back, suddenly unsure of himself. "Ya don't have to..." he began, but the gunslinger shook his head and slowly started to unfasten his pants. He placed them carefully on the floor next to the bed and then took a deep breath and turned back to the sharpshooter.
Vin put one hand lightly on the gunslinger's bare chest. The skin was smooth and warm. Vin could feel Chris' heart beating rapidly against his palm. He began rubbing his hand gently across the chest, around to the firm length of back. He buried his face in the gunslinger's neck, his free hand coming up to tangle in the short blonde hair at Chris' neck. He felt the other man's arms wrap around him tightly and he sucked greedily at the sensitive skin of the gunslinger's neck. Chris let out a gasp and arched his neck, offering more of himself to the tracker.
Vin obliged by kissing, nibbling and exploring, with lips and tongue, every part of the gunslinger's body. Then, when he had Chris writhing and moaning, almost whimpering in his need, Vin turned and offered himself to the other man. He wanted the gunslinger so badly that it had become painful to continue. For both of them. He wanted Chris to fuck him. He wanted to fuck Chris. He didn't care which. He just needed Chris.
A look of panic came into the gunslinger's eyes when Vin whispered. "I want ya, Chris. In me."
Chris shook his head, an almost pleading look coming into his green eyes, as he rolled over onto his stomach. It was as if he needed Vin to do this for some reason. As if by offering himself, he was atoning for something.
Vin swallowed hard at the sight of the proud gunslinger, face turned away, back tight with tension. He seemed to be at war with himself. Wanting this, yet not wanting it. Or maybe not wanting to want it. Well, the tracker would do everything in his power to make certain that Chris ached for Vin to be inside him. He began kneading the tight muscles in Chris' shoulders, gritting his teeth against the pain of his arousal. He could control himself. He would control himself.
Chris slowly began to relax as Vin rubbed his shoulders, kissing the back of his exposed nape, causing little shivers to run through his body. The tracker gently turned him over, after several minutes of these gentle ministrations.
"I want to see ya. When we..." Vin whispered, lips brushing his companion's.
The look of relief on the gunslinger's face was unmistakable and he reached up to pull Vin down for a fierce kiss. Then he spoke his first words since they'd began.
"Please. Please do it now." The voice was barely more than a whisper, but it was all the tracker needed to hear.
Oh God. It was better than Vin had ever dreamed. Better than anything he could ever have imagined. He lost himself in the other man, giving him everything he had, everything he was. For him, the gunslinger was all that existed.
+ + + + + + +
Chris Larabee woke to the sound of a bird singing somewhere outside. He frowned in confusion as he realized it was morning. He'd slept the whole night through, with no dreams. He glanced down at the form of the still sleeping tracker. Vin was sprawled out on the bed, hair spread across the pillow, one hand stretched out before him, the other one tucked beneath his cheek. The gunslinger smiled at the sight for a brief moment, then sighed heavily.
What had he done? He couldn't give the tracker what he deserved. Vin should be with someone who could offer him love and laughter and intimacy, untouched by shame or pain. Someone not haunted by so many ghosts. That someone couldn't be him. He had very little laughter in him. And his love was a thing to be avoided. It brought only pain to those unfortunate enough to be its recipients. Even his body wasn't a fit offering. Not anymore. It had felt better, for a while. Last night, when the tracker was touching him. Making him crazy with desire. Making him forget the touch of other hands.
But in the cold light of day, Chris knew that wouldn't last. He'd betray himself eventually, and then Vin would know. And Chris didn't want to be the object of anyone's pity. How could he ever know if Vin was staying with him out of guilt and pity, or out of, out of...
"Love." murmured the tracker, turning over and reaching out a questing hand. One sleepy blue eye opened and peered at Chris.
Oh God. Chris couldn't do this. He had to get out of here. He needed time to think. He sat up and swung his legs over the side of the bed. He winced at the ache of sore muscles. It felt just like it had when...NO. He wouldn't think about that. Not here. Not now. It wasn't anything like it had been with those two bastards. He refused to let them sully the only pure thing he had left. The memory of last night.
"Chris?" Now Vin sat up, frowning.
"I just need some time to think. Might be best if you got back to town before everyone starts wondering where you are." Chris looked away from the hurt on Vin's face. Dammit! He was doing the tracker a favor. Ending it before they got any more involved.
Except, that annoying little voice whispered, How do you get any more involved than you already are? Best friends. Lovers for a night. Sharing the same life. The same desires.
Shut up. Chris told the voice. I can't do this. Its better this way.
Better for who? it asked, before fading into the recesses of his mind.
"This mean last night was a mistake?" Vin's soft question caused a spasm of pain in the gunslinger's chest.
"Yes." He said baldly. But not for the reasons you think, he added silently.
"Maybe it was, to you. Didn't feel that way to me." The tracker's voice challenged him to deny it.
"Doesn't matter what you think or how we both felt last night. Today I'm telling you it was a mistake." Chris made his tone cold, disdainful.
"Maybe. But it aint just your's to make." Vin could be stubborn as a mule sometimes.
"I'm asking you to leave. Now." Chris was truly growing angry now.
The tracker eyed him narrowly for a moment, then nodded abruptly. "I'm goin'." he said, finally. "But this aint over. Not by a long shot."
Chris sat there, long after the other man had left, wondering why in the hell life couldn't just leave him be. Let him go to Hell in his own fashion.
+ + + + + + +
"I'm tellin' ya, Buck. I aint ever actually been afraid of Chris before. But you should've seen him. I sure hope Vin can do something." JD was in the empty jailhouse, telling the older man about his encounter with Chris in the saloon.
"I hope so too, kid. That aint like Chris. You and Vin have always been the two that could get away with just about anything." Buck reached out a hand and clapped JD on the shoulder.
"Come on, JD. I'll buy ya a drink."
+ + + + + + +
The two men entered the saloon to find Ezra, Josiah and Nathan already seated at a table. From the looks of it, they were in the midst of a serious discussion. Buck just bet he could guess the topic.
"You boys talkin' about anything interestin'?" he asked, as he and JD approached the table.
"Would it surprise you to know we were discussin' the impromptu little scene that our illustrious leader engaged in yesterday, with Mr. Dunne, here?" As usual, Ezra had managed to say in twenty words what the rest of them could have said in three or four. And what Chris or Vin could have said in one.
Buck sighed and sat down next to Nathan, while JD took a seat across from the gambler. "No. Wouldn't surprise me none." he admitted.
"The good townspeople are starting to question his leadership abilities, to put it bluntly. Something clearly needs to be done about the situation." Ezra shuffled his cards as he spoke, not looking at the other men.
"Well, Buck told Vin how Chris feels, so maybe once they get things straightened out, Chris will be in a better mood." JD put in. Then his face paled as he realized what he had said.
"Uhhh..." the young man stammered.
"JD." Buck hissed angrily.
"Oh my..." Ezra murmured, green eyes thoughtful.
"You just shut up, Ezra. Bad enough you questionin' his leadership. I won't have ya..."
"I was merely repeating what the good people of the town are saying, Buck. I never claimed to share their opinion. In fact, Mr. Larabee has my highest respect and I have heard nothing here that will change that." The gambler's voice was icy and so was the look in his eyes.
"Sorry, Ez." Buck apologized. "I'm just worried. He aint himself. And he won't let none of us help him. Vin is our last hope."
"I assume that you sent our tracker friend off, armed with the truth of Brother Chris' emotions?" Josiah asked with a raised brow in Buck's direction.
"Somethin' like that." Buck agreed.
"Ya'll don't seem too surprised." JD observed. "About Chris and Vin. You know..." The young man trailed off, slightly embarassed.
"Those two have always had something that defied explanation. You'd have to be blinder than the proverbial bat to miss it." Josiah winked at Buck as the other man flushed.
"Yeah. Well..." but he never got a chance to finish, because the healer, who had been silent up til then, interrupted with a question for JD.
"JD, when exactly did Chris lose control? Grab you?" Nathan asked the younger man intently.
"Uhh...I put my hand on his shoulder, to get his attention like. Because he was about to walk off. That's when he went crazy." JD was clearly puzzled by the healer's interest.
"Uh huh. And last week he nearly killed that other fella for bumpin' into him." Nathan said thoughtfully.
"Mr. Jackson, if you have arrived at some conclusion, do feel free to share it with the rest of us." Ezra drawled.
"It aint really my place. But he aint leavin' much choice." The healer paused.
"Well? Come on, Nathan." JD was impatient to find out what Nathan thought could be wrong with Chris.
"It's just...the way he's been actin'. Well, it kinda reminded me of some of the things I seen, back when I was still a slave." He paused again. Whatever it was, the healer wasn't finding it easy to say.
"Some of the slaveowners, they liked the colored men instead of the women. They'd have them brought to the house. For the night. And when those men came back the next mornin', they acted an awful lot like Chris has been doin' lately. Had that same look in their eye.The same look he's had since we found him after bein' held prisoner by those two ranch hands.
"You mean they...?" JD whispered, looking as if he'd like to be sick.
The healer nodded.
"That would explain a lot." Ezra murmured, green eyes veiled.
"Oh Lord. And I just sent Vin out there to him. To...Oh Lord" Buck smacked his hand down on the table. "How could I have been so stupid?"
"Calm down, Buck. This may be just what he needs. You said it yourself. Vin is the only one that's got a chance of breachin' his defenses." Nathan tried to speak reassuringly.
"So, what do we do now?" JD asked.
"Nothing." the healer replied. "We continue to be his friends, just like nothing has changed. And we give him time to heal."
"Should we tell Vin. If he doesn't already know?" JD had one last question.
"I don't know, JD." Nathan sighed and rubbed his head. "Why don't we just wait and see what Vin has to say about things first."
SEVEN
Awww hell. The rangy, young sharpshooter picked up another small stone off the ground and threw it forcefully into the pool of water in front of him. He sat on the bank and watched as it splashed into the water, scattering several fish and sending out cascades of ripples along the surface.He'd been sittin' here for a couple of hours now. Ever since he'd left the gunslinger's house. Been kicked out, more like. He hadn't felt up to facin' the knowin' eyes of Buck, and probably the others as well, by now. And he didn't have any answers to the questions he knew they were likely to ask. Questions such as, "Did ya find out what's been eatin' at Chris?" At least, he didn't have any answers he was willin' to give. So here he was. At the old fishin' hole, tryin' to figure things out by throwin' rocks in the water. Hell, thinkin' about things hadn't been doin' him much good. Maybe throwin' rocks was the answer.
Last night had been as close to heaven as this particular ex-bounty hunter was ever likely to get. Vin felt a brief flash of sympathy for them fallen angels Josiah sometimes talked about. Gettin' kicked outta Paradise hurt somethin' awful. He knew that now. Could feel it with bones that ached from loss. Could feel it in a heart that struggled to keep beatin'. He wondered if it was possible to live on nothin' but the memory of a single night.
God knows, he'd never forget a second of last night. Not if he lived to be older than that Methuselah feller. But one night just wasn't enough. Hell, a lifetime with the gunslinger wouldn't be enough to satisfy Vin Tanner. He wanted eternity. Forever. Wanted to lose himself in that long, lean body. Taste every inch of that pale skin. Wanted to hear that silky voice whisperin' words of passion. And love.
The tracker sighed and wrapped his arms around his knees, drawing them closer to his chest. Love. Such a simple word. Such a complicated mess of emotion. Hell, if he'd a known love could hurt worse than anything the Comanche's had ever taught him, he might've decided to sweep floors in some other town. That way, he'd a never met Chris Larabee. And he wouldn't be sittin' here now, thinkin' all sorts of fool thoughts.
Yeah. Right, Tanner. Vin gave a short, humorless chuckle. As if that aint the biggest damn whopper ya ever heard The gunslinger was worth any amount of sufferin' to a certain long haired, hell bent on trouble, desperately in love, tracker. Hell, even if he wasn't. It aint like Vin had a choice in the matter. His destiny was intertwined with that of Chris Larabee. For better or for worse.
Nothin' in the ex bounty hunter's past had prepared him for this feelin', though. The feelin' that another person was essential to his survival. More necessary than food or water. He'd never felt that way about anyone before. Had spent his whole life makin' it on his own. Needin' no one. Even the couple a times he'd thought he'd been in love hadn't felt like this. Like he was wearin' his skin inside out, leavin' everything exposed. Like he was outta control. Like he was teeterin' on the brink between heaven and hell. Not even carin' which way he fell, as long as the gunslinger fell with him.
Vin could barely even remember now what it had felt like to be in the arms of the Kiowa brave who had been his first lover. And Charlotte had been forgotten almost as soon as he'd left her. Chris Larabee took up the tracker's whole being. Plain and simple. Wasn't no room for nothin' else. No one else. Well, except maybe for the five men no doubt sittin' in the saloon right about now, layin' odds on his survival. Vin smiled for the first time since last night.
Maybe he should talk to one of the others. He didn't seem to be doin' all that great on his own. Despite his brave words to the contrary this mornin', he was deathly afraid that it was over. That the gunslinger would shut him out. Turn him away for good. And that there would be nothin' Vin could do to stop him.
No. Much as he might like to, he couldn't bring himself to talk to one of the other men. This was between him and Chris. He'd just have to hope that his determination, his refusal to give up, would be enough.
When he'd first ridden out from the gunslinger's this mornin', he'd thought that maybe the best thing he could do for Chris would be to go back to just bein' his friend. Pretend the previous night had never happened. But if he'd figured out anything today, it was that he knew there was no goin' back. Not now. They needed to move forward. Both of them. Together. And Vin wouldn't give up until he'd made that happen. The gunslinger wasn't the only one who could be a stubborn cuss. Vin bet he could show Chris a thing or two about that. Tonight. He'd just have to put all these doubts and fears outta his head and focus on Chris. Who needed him whether he wanted to admit it or not. Whether he liked it or not. Heaven or Hell, it was up to the gunslinger. Vin Tanner was just there to make certain that wherever they went, it was together.
+ + + + + + +
Chris Larabee lay on the bed, staring up at the ceiling. He thought how easy it would be to just stay there like that. Not sleeping. Not eating. Not thinking. Just existing. But life wasn't that kind. It forced you to get up. To do things. To feel things. Things you'd rather forget. Things you couldn't forget no matter how hard you tried.
He could still smell the faint traces of the tracker's scent on the pillows. That was one of the things he was trying to forget. And couldn't. The memory of last night was engraved upon his body. His soul. And his heart. Vin had been tender, gentle. Everything that his two attackers hadn't been. Everything that Chris was afraid he would never be again.
When Vin had offered himself to the gunslinger, with such trust in his eyes, Chris had felt a rush of panic. He didn't have the trust in himself that the tracker did. Vin didn't know any better. Didn't know the things that had been done to Chris. Didn't know the bone deep, soul searing anger and rage he felt. Couldn't know how afraid Chris was of losing control. Of hurting Vin. Like he'd been hurt.
He'd turned over, offering himself, instead. Hoping the tracker wouldn't ask why. And he hadn't. He'd taken Chris' body and at the same time had given the gunslinger his own soul in return. Chris had felt like a thief. Taking the other man's freely given emotions and giving nothing but his body in return. Love, caring, gentleness. Chris had looked into those blue eyes, shining down at him while their bodies were joined, and he'd seen everything that could have been. Everything that should have been. If only there wasn't this ugly, shameful secret between them.
A secret that the gunslinger wasn't certain he could ever share. Would the tracker understand if he knew? Forgive? Or would he look at Chris in disgust and pity? Especially since Chris had invited Vin into his bed, let Vin touch him, without telling him the truth. How would he feel if he knew Chris had murdered those two men in cold blood? And that the gunslinger didn't regret it? Would do it again. A far cry from the proud and righteous Chris Larabee who'd gone about proclaiming that you never shot no one in the back. He hadn't actually put the bullet in their backs, but he might as well have. There was no difference between that and what he'd done.
No. He couldn't risk it. Couldn't risk hurting Vin. Didn't want to risk being hurt himself. He knew he could never survive it if the tracker turned away from him. Or worse, stayed with him out of pity. Better to end it now. Go back to being friends. If that was even possible. It had to be. He would find a way to make it work. Make things go back to how they used to be. Even if that was no longer exactly what he wanted.
And what about the nights? that insidious little voice whispered to him. How are you ever going to function, to be of any use at all to anyone, if you can't sleep?
I'll manage. They're just dreams. They can't hurt me. Chris told the voice fiercely.
If they can't hurt you, then why are you so afraid?
I Chris had no answer for that.
The tracker can keep those dreams away. He might not be able to make everything better, but he can keep the dreams away. the little voice was persistent. And oh, so seductive. Chris wanted to listen to it. To take what Vin had to offer.
He won't ask you for anything in return. You know he won't. the voice was leading him further down the road to damnation with each word. Vin would give of himself freely and ask nothing for himself in return. That was his way. It would be so easy to do. Spend his nights in the comfort of the tracker's arms and his days pretending that nothing had changed. That he was still Chris Larabee, leader of the seven. Capable of doing his job. Worthy of their trust. Their loyalty. Their respect.
Chris silently prayed that Vin would be strong enough for the both of them. That he had taken Chris' words of this morning to heart and decided that the gunslinger was right. That there was no more to be said or done. That last night had been a mistake, on both their parts. Because Chris knew, knew that he wouldn't have the strength to turn Vin away a second time.
+ + + + + + +
"I haven't seen hide nor hair of either one all day, have you fellas?" JD asked as he entered the saloon and sat down at the table already occupied by the healer, Ezra Standish and Buck Wilmington.
"No, JD. Neither myself nor any of the other gentleman at the table have laid eyes on our erstwhile comrades." Ezra raised an eyebrow as he glanced towards the figure which had just entered the saloon. "But perhaps our good preacher there has." He waved a hand to indicate Josiah Sanchez who was making his towards their table even now.
"You seen 'em, Josiah?" No need to specify who. There were only two people whose whereabouts concerned them at the moment.
The big man shook his head. "I was hoping you would have some news for me."
"Well, no one's seen them. That could be a good sign, right? That could mean they're stillI mean they uhstill talking." JD finished awkwardly, blushing furiously.
"Let's hope so, JD." Buck replied, grinning at the boy's obvious embarrassment. The other men were more successful at hiding their amusement as JD glared around the table, daring them to say anything.
"Chris, and the rest of us, will still have a lot of battles left to fight, even if Vin managed to make a dent in that armor of his. Somethin' like he been through don't go away that easy. But at least there'll be the hope of gettin' through it. For all of us. Together." Nathan spoke softly, but the determination was clear in his voice.
The five men gathered around the table nodded. With or without his knowledge, with or without his cooperation, Chris Larabee was gonna have the support of his friends.
EIGHT
It's been near a month now. A month since I went to him that next night and caught him in the throes of another one of them dreams. I'd been hopin' for that, truth be told. Was kinda countin' on it, knowin' he'd be weak then. Vulnerable. And he was. He reached for me like he was a starvin' man and I was a loaf of Miss Nettie's fresh baked bread.It's been a month of havin' my body played like a fiddle every night. Of runnin' my hands and mouth over that sweat slicked body til we're both hotter than the devil and fair screamin' with our need. A need that he can't bring himself to satisfy. Leastways, not like I'm fair achin' for him to do. He'll only take part of what I offer him. To justify some fool notion he's got in his head, no doubt. For such a smart fella, he sure can be stupid sometimes.
I can feel the distance between us. Just haven't quite figured out how to bridge it, yet. Every night, I plunge myself into his body, tryin' to reach that part of him that he's holdin' back. Tryin' til we're both tired enough to finally sleep. But even in my sleep, I can't get away from it. Now I'm the one havin' dreams. When is he gonna tell you? they ask. And then I hear an echo of his voice. Never, it tells me. Shit. Damn dreams don't know shit. At least, that's what I tell myself every mornin' when I wake up.
I thought there couldn't be a pain worse than not havin' no part of him. Now I know that aint so. Cause this pain is even worse. Havin' his body. But not the heart or soul that go along with it. It's like that feller from the Greek story, the one Ezra told me about a while back. When he was helpin' me with my readin'. Now there's a story for ya. How Mr. Ezra Standish wound up offerin' to help former bounty hunter, Vin Tanner, with his book learnin'. And how one Vin Tanner found himself acceptin' that offer. But anyways, in the story, there was this feller that was always thirsty. I forget his name. And the Gods had this nice, cold, clear stream right out in front of him, all nice like. Just to torture him. Cause he couldn't take a drink for the life of him. No matter how hard he tried. I feel like old what's his name. Dyin' for a long cool drink of Chris Larabee's heart and soul. Only to have it slip through my fingers every damn time.
During the day, it aint so bad. We both pretend everything's fine. Pretend nothin's changed. And our duties, protectin' the town and such, keep us busy enough so that we're able to act like that. But that's all it is. An act. Good enough to fool the town, maybe. But the town is the least of my worries.
The boys don't treat us no different. Not so's you'd notice. Unless ya were lookin' for it. Like I was. I reckon they know all about me and Chris. And how we been spendin' our nights. Buck never asked me nothin', but I don't think those sharp eyes of his missed the marks on my neck. Or the damn blush that spread over my face when I caught him lookin'. And if Buck knows, they all know. The man couldn't keep a secret to save his life. And it aint cause he's no gossip, neither. Just got an open nature is all. I sometimes think it would be nice to be a little more like that. Sure wish Chris was a little more like that. But I aint kiddin' myself. Neither me or Chris Larabee are likely to ever change our ways.
I think they know about Chris, too. About what happened to him. They're real careful not to roughhouse too much with him. Not to touch him with anything but gentleness. But not so's it's obvious. They give him plenty of breathin' room, but manage to stay close by, just in case. Best bunch of guys you could ever hope to have guardin' your back. But then, Chris seems to inspire devotion in people. Hell, just look at me. I'm pretty sure Chris aint aware that they know. He for sure aint aware that I know. And that I'm waitin' for him to tell me. Before it's too late for us.
He aint lost control of himself in such a big way since his scene in the saloon with JD. But I can see the anger comin' out in the little ways. And I can see the guilt. Always the guilt. You'd think he was directly responsible for everything that happened in the world since its creation. He might not be on the high road to Hell no more, but he'll get there all the same. The wrong kinds of secrets will do that to a man. Make him crazy. I should know. Been down that road a few times myself. I think all of us have. Til we found each other. Now, with Nathan, Ezra, JD and the others around, it's damn near impossible to have any privacy. But somehow, I don't mind it. Might even like it sometimes.
Maybe I should just confront him with it. Tell him I know. Tell him he talks in his sleep most every night. Tell him I got a pretty good idea what those two bastards did to him. Tell him I'd like to dig 'em up just so I could have the pleasure of shootin' them. Tell him it don't make no difference to me what they done. Tell him he should damn well know that by now.
I guess I got some anger of my own to work through. Mad as I am at the sick sons of bitches who did this to him, they're dead and gone to Hell. The anger that burns in me like a slow fire is towards him.
It hurts, ya know. Hurts that he don't, won't share this with me. Tellin' myself that I'd do the same thing in his place don't help none. Sometimes, I feel the resentment build til it comes near to chokin' me. When I look in his eyes and I see the walls and the bars and the locks and a whole host of other things, all designed to keep me out. Then I feel like grabbin' him and shakin' some sense into that thick skull of his.
What happened to you has had its effect on all of us. Buck told me a little about the conversation you and he had, right before ya went missin'. He aint said it was his fault in so many words, since they aint sure if I know. And don't want to be the ones to tell me. But I can see it in his eyes. He feels like he failed ya again. Just like he did after Sarah and Adam died. But I can't tell him he didn't. Only you can do that. Then there's JD. The world is layin' heavy on his shoulders. If somethin' awful like that can happen to you, then what the hell kind of chance does he have? Nathan is busy blamin' himself for not bein' able to heal souls as well as bodies. Watchin' you, the strongest man they know, struggle like you been doin' is hurtin' the rest of them, too. I know it aint fair to place responsibility for that on you. But who else is there? They need you. I need you. I can't go on like this no more. We can't go on like this.
+ + + + + + +
I knew it would happen. Hell, part of me was hoping it would. Hoping he'd come back. And when he did, I couldn't turn him away. When I opened my eyes from that godawful dream and smelled his clean, spicy scent. Felt his warm breath. I reached for him and pulled him down onto the bed with me. Clung to him. Every night for a month now, he's been there with me. Sharing my bed. I live in constant fear that some day I'll wake up to find no one there. No Vin there beside me. But I know that one day that's exactly what will happen. I can't expect him to wait around forever for me. I can already see the signs of weariness. Of pain. Because of me. Shit.
I aint sure why he stays. He deserves so much more than I give him. I know he can feel it. Can feel that I'm holdin' back. Can feel that I'm leery of taking too much from him. That I'm constantly rejecting what he tries to offer me. And I aint just talking about the sex. Although, I still can't bring myself to take him like that. No matter how much he tries to assure me he wants it. It aint a matter of want. It's a matter of trust. And I still don't trust myself. I've got it under better control now, but I can still feel the pain inside me waiting for a chance to come out. And I don't aim for Vin to be the one who feels it when it does. I just wish there was some way I could tell him that. Knowing him, he probably thinks this is all his fault. And it aint. If it's anyone's fault, it's mine.
He hasn't tried to force the issue yet. Hasn't tried to force me to tell him what's wrong. But he will. Even Vin doesn't have endless patience. And he has every right to know. To know what he's made love to every night for the last month. But I still don't know what my answer will be when he finally does ask.