[Home]
Chris didn´t wait long. He couldn´t. His desire to abide by Vin´s wishes was quickly overruled by his need to be by his partner´s side.Not that his needs counted for much at the moment.
But he knew Vin. He knew the other man needed some time to come to terms with what had happened – what could still happen – but he also knew that he needed to know someone cared, that he didn´t have to go through this alone like he had so many other things in his life.
He needed Chris.
And Chris was determined to be there. After waiting in the hall for all of fifteen minutes, each one dragging tortuously by, he opened the door and slipped quietly into the room.
Debbie glanced up at his arrival and offered a small smile, then went back to checking vitals and monitoring the machines surrounding the injured man.
Chris nodded briefly in her direction, then slid silently into the chair at Vin´s bedside. He looked to be sound asleep and, for that, the team leader was glad. He didn´t want to leave and knew he´d have to if Vin expressed such a request.
He watched the sleeping man for a few minutes, grateful for the peaceful expression on his lover´s face. When his need to touch became too much to bear, he reached between the metal rungs of the bed rail and laid his hand gently over that of his best friend.
And as that pale hand turned, twining their fingers together and squeezing slightly, Chris´ heart felt like it beat for the first time since Vin had been shot.
“I´m here, pard,” he whispered, unsure as to whether the other man was actually awake, or just responding to Chris´ touch in his sleep. “And I´m always going to be here, no matter what.”
The tousled head turned then, slowly, and half-closed blue eyes sought out their mates. After holding the green gaze for a moment, he managed a small nod.
Chris gently brushed the hair from his lover´s forehead, unconcerned that the nurse was witness to the intimate caress. “Rest now,” he murmured softly.
Another brief nod and the blue eyes slid closed. Chris watched him sleep for a moment, and then raised his eyes to the nurse, an unspoken question shimmering in the green depths.
“He´s doing quite well,” she whispered with a smile.
Chris nodded his thanks for the reassurance and turned his eyes on Vin once again. With all the concern over the bullet wound, the rest of his lover´s injuries had gone pretty much unnoticed. Now, with nothing to do but watch over the man as he slept, Chris finally allowed himself to realize all that the sharpshooter had endured in the last twelve hours. Since the handsome face was no longer covered in blood, every bruise was evident. His anger began to build once again as he thought about the blows that had put them there. Such a beating was more than anyone should have to endure, and now, on top of the pain from his various injuries, Vin was having to deal with the possibility that he´d never regain the use of his legs.
It was all so unfair. The man didn´t have a malicious bone in his body, yet his whole life had been filled with such cruelty – both mental and physical – from so many sources that even Vin had ceased to keep track.
But that had all changed when he´d joined Team 7.
He still managed to suffer more than his share of injuries – some of which were intentionally inflicted, some that were just a hazard of the job – but not once had he had to suffer alone since his life had become entwined with those of the other six team members.
But this was different. Not that the guys wouldn´t be there for him; that would never change. But this time, their presence might not be enough. It wasn´t like sitting by his side and bathing his fevered face while he battled infection from a wound, or helping him put on a shirt with one arm in a cast. This time, they might not be able to nurse him back to health, regardless of how hard they´d try. In the end, after all the concern and support, he might still be faced with learning to live his life from a wheelchair.
And that was something no amount of love and support could cure. It would certainly help on an emotional level, but it wouldn´t do a damned thing to make him stand and walk.
The actual injury might have been a fluke, but that didn´t change the fact that Collings had planned for just such an outcome. And that was the part that Chris was having a hard time getting his mind around. When he allowed himself to think about it, he became so overwhelmed with anger and hatred that he could barely see straight.
The hand in his tried to pull away and the movement snapped his wandering mind back to the man in the bed. Pain-filled blue eyes were watching him and he finally realized the death grip he had on the younger man´s hand.
“God, Vin, I´m sorry,” he breathed, relaxing his hold immediately.
Those eyes continued to watch him for a moment as though searching for something.
“´S alright, Chris,” the Texan finally murmured.
Chris looked down to where Vin´s hand had relaxed in his once again. “No,” he said in a hoarse whisper. “It´s not alright. None of this is alright.”
“Mebbe not,” Vin finally acquiesced. “But ain´t none of it yer fault.”
A harsh scoff escaped the senior agent. “How can you say that, Vin?” he demanded. “Collings did all this to get back at me.”
“For somethin´ that weren´t yer fault either,” Vin reminded him. “Too many things in this world we gotta own, Chris, ain´t no room ta be takin´ on them that belong ta somebody else.”
Chris bowed his head and closed his eyes. He knew Vin was right. Hell, he´d be saying the same thing if their situations were reversed. Well, maybe not in those exact words, and definitely without the drawl, but the message would have been the same.
Leave it to Tanner to be the one offering comfort while laying flat on his back in a hospital bed.
“How are you feeling?” Chris asked, leaning forward and touching his cheek gently.
Vin seemed to think about it for a moment, silently taking inventory of his various injuries before offering an answer. “Head hurts, arm throbs, hurts when I breathe.”
Chris knew he had to be in considerable pain to forgo his usual ‘I´m fine´ response. “Got a couple of busted ribs,” he pointed out. His expression darkening slightly, he added, “Collings worked you over pretty good.”
Vin tried to shake his head but only managed the barest of movements. “Weren´t Collings,” he breathed. “Gigantor.”
“The guy we found in the warehouse with Bertolli,” Chris surmised, putting the pieces together.
“Collings killed them,” Vin explained, though they´d already guessed as much. “Said he was gonna take me to ya.” He stopped then, closing his eyes.
“Don´t worry about any of that now,” Chris soothed, stroking the pale forehead gently. “Just rest and get well. We´ll deal with the details later.”
But the blue eyes opened again anyway and Chris could see the fear in them. “Still can´t move my legs, Chris,” he whispered softly.
“Give it some time, Cowboy,” the blond urged quietly. “Wait for the swelling to go down.”
The use of the nickname they shared brought immediate tears to the half-closed eyes. He was suddenly overwhelmed by all the things he may never again be able to do. His job had been foremost in his mind when he´d first considered the possibility that he´d never walk again, but the blonde´s words had reminded him of everything else he might lose. Would he ever again hear that name whispered in the throes of ecstasy? Would they be able to make love at all? Would he be able to ride Peso? Or just stand at the fence and watch the sun set behind the mountains?
Chris´ heart broke anew as he watched the tears spill onto the bruised cheeks. He didn´t care that the nurse was still in the room. Only his love for the hurting man drove his actions and he lowered the bed rail to lean in close, sliding one arm under his lover´s neck and wrapping the other carefully around the chest now wracked by silent sobs.
“Shhh,” he soothed, kissing the Texan´s forehead before resting his cheek atop the tangled curls and holding him as tightly as his injuries would allow.
Vin took what he could get, burying his tear streaked face in Chris´ shoulder and clinging to the black shirt with his good hand.
Debbie murmured something about getting fresh water and hurried from the room, tears blinding her way as a result of the touching scene she´d just witnessed. Patients weren´t supposed to be left alone for any length of time in high acuity care, but she knew this man wasn´t in any immediate medical danger. She also knew that no health care professional could provide what he needed at the moment. Only the man at his side could do that and she was determined to give them at least a couple of minutes of privacy.
“Is something wrong?” a well-dressed man waiting outside the room had asked upon seeing her hasty departure. “Has something happened to Mr. Tanner?”
She immediately reigned in her errant emotions. “No,” she replied, blinking back the tears while offering a small smile of encouragement. “Nothing´s changed. He´s holding his own. Excuse me.”
With that, she left to tend to her task of getting water, leaving a concerned Ezra Standish to look to the only other person present.
Josiah had witnessed the nurse´s sudden retreat and was as bewildered as the other agent. With a jerk of his head toward the door, he made a silent suggestion that Ezra should check it out for himself.
The southerner opened the door quietly, his concerned gaze scanning the room until it came to rest on the bed. Chris was perched on the edge, cradling the Texan´s upper body in a protective embrace while one hand stroked the tousled brown head gently. He could tell by the shaking of the injured man´s shoulders that he was crying and immediately regretted his intrusion on such a private moment. Chris, however, met his gaze and offered a small nod, letting him know that he understood and appreciated the concern. Returning the gesture, Ezra backed out of the room, allowing the door to swing slowly closed.
“Well?” Sanchez asked expectantly.
The southerner couldn´t resist a gentle smile. “Our fearless friend is indeed holding his own,” he replied, “and while he´s doing that, our illustrious leader is holding him.”
Josiah grinned. “Then all is as it should be, brother. As long as they´re together, there isn´t anything on the face of this earth they can´t handle.”
Ezra glanced at the closed door once again and breathed a deep sigh. “From your mouth to God´s ear, my friend.”
+ + + + + + +
Right on schedule, Dr. Withers returned to check on his patient. “If you´ll excuse us, Mr. Larabee, it´s time to repeat some of the tests we did earlier.”
“Can´t I stay?” he asked, gripping Tanner´s hand a little tighter.
“I think it´s best you leave,” he replied gently. “Sensory testing requires dealing with some… shall we say, intimate areas. For the sake of Mr. Tanner´s comfort level, as well as your own, it would be better if you´re not present.”
“´S alright, Chris, go on,” Vin murmured. “Reckon you bein´ here won´t make it any less embarrassin´.”
“I´ll be right outside,” Chris promised, giving the hand a final squeeze before letting go and getting to his feet. He left the doctor and nurse alone with their patient and was surprised to see Josiah and Ezra still in the corridor.
“Thought I told you guys to go home,” he complained mildly.
“Figured we could worry just as easy from here, Chris,” Josiah replied. “Nathan went to check on JD.”
Chris rubbed the back of his neck wearily. “Well, hopefully, we´ll have less to worry about when the doctor finishes his examination.”
“How is Mr. Tanner holding up?” Ezra asked, the image of the sobbing man etched in his memory.
“He´s scared,” Chris admitted quietly. “Hell, who wouldn´t be?”
“Who, indeed,” Ezra returned with rarely disclosed compassion. “Let´s hope the good doctor has some news of a more optimistic nature this time, shall we?”
When Dr. Withers joined them in the corridor, his expression looked guardedly hopeful.
“Well?” Chris asked impatiently.
“While Mr. Tanner´s condition remains, for the most part, unchanged, he does show a slight improvement as far as reaction to sensory stimuli.”
“So that means he´s feeling something?” Chris pressed for clarification. “In his legs?”
“Just slightly more than he was an hour ago,” the doctor reiterated. “And still nothing from the midpoint of the thigh down, but any improvement is good at this point.”
“Can he move at all?” Josiah asked.
“No.” Withers shook his head. “I´m afraid there is still no motor function in the lower extremities, but that could still be caused by the swelling. The steroids we have him on are working to reduce that, but they take time. We simply have to exercise some patience in this area.”
“How long before he can be moved to a regular room?” Chris asked.
“I´d like to keep him here for at least another 24 hours. Once he´s off the steroids, I don´t see any reason why he can´t be moved. In the meantime, however, he needs to rest.”
“Thanks, Doctor,” Chris offered. “I´ll see that he does.”
Having witnessed the team leader´s protectiveness where the patient was concerned, Withers had no doubt the blonde would keep his word. “I´m sure you will,” he smiled. “Now, if you´ll excuse me, I have another surgery scheduled.”
They thanked him again and Chris returned to his partner´s side. “Doc says they may be able to move you to a regular room in the next day or so,” he smiled.
“Hopefully one with a better view,” Vin murmured, trying to project as much normalcy as he could into the conversation.
“Oh, I don´t know,” Chris teased, gazing down into the other man´s face. “View looks pretty good from where I´m sitting.”
Vin blushed slightly and his eyes flicked to where Debbie sat on the other side of the room, writing up his chart and apparently oblivious to their conversation.
“Yeah, well,” he replied gruffly, trying to hide his embarrassment, “try looking at it from this angle for a while.”
“Be happy to,” Chris breathed, a leering glint in his eyes. “Slide over.”
The colour in Vin´s cheeks intensified and this time his glance at the nurse was filled with something akin to panic. “Larabee,” he whispered in warning. “Want the whole damned hospital ta hear ya?”
Chris chuckled. “Relax, pard. She can´t hear us.”
“He´s right, you know,” Debbie interrupted in a teasing lilt, not once taking her eyes from the chart. “I can´t hear a thing.”
Vin groaned, his cheeks now tinged a deep red beneath the bruises while Chris´ own face hurried to catch up.
“I´m sorry,” the blonde offered, clearing his throat in embarrassment. “I thought…” He allowed his voice to trail off as he realized there was nothing he could say that wouldn´t add to the uncomfortable situation.
She rose and moved to the side of the bed, trying to hide her smile as she checked the IV. “Thought I was busy?” she finished for him. “I was, but I wouldn´t be much of a nurse if I couldn´t write up a chart and still keep an ear tuned to my patient.” She flashed a quick wink at Chris. “Nice to see another colour on that handsome face though, don´t you think? Suits him better than all that black and blue.”
Vin´s face flushed crimson again and Chris couldn´t resist a chuckle. “Yeah, it does, doesn´t it?” he murmured, grateful to the nurse for her understanding and sense of humour. Even though Vin was still blushing, the twinkle in those blue eyes told him that he appreciated it too.
“You two can quit talkin´ ‘bout me like I ain´t here,” the Texan groused, trying to will the flush from his cheeks. “Ain´t nothin´ wrong with my ears, ya know.”
The nurse looked down at him with a teasing smile. “You´re right,” she mused. “Aside from the fact that they´re an unusual shade of pink at the moment, I don´t see anything wrong with your ears at all.”
“Aw, Hell,” Vin mumbled, pulling the sheet up over his face with his good hand as he felt the colour returning.
Chris laughed. “That´s our sharpshooter, all right. Best in the ATF, one of the deadliest men you´ll ever meet, and hiding under a sheet from a little teasing.” He shook his head in mock sadness.
“Ain´t hidin´,” Vin grumbled.
“I don´t know,” Debbie teased, “I think it´s kind of cute.”
“Ain´t cute, neither.”
Debbie laughed lightly and patted his arm. “You need another bag of steroid solution for that IV. I´ll be back in a few minutes.”
Once he´d heard her leave, Vin lowered the sheet slowly until just his eyes were showing.
“You can come out now,” Chris teased.
The Texan uncovered the rest of his face and glared at his friend. “Bet ya thought that was funny, didn´t ya?”
Chris shrugged, still smiling.
“Think she knows?” Vin asked, his eyes showing only the slightest hint of concern.
Larabee couldn´t help laughing outright at that. “Yeah, pard, I think she may have figured it out.”
Vin realized how stupid the question was and wasn´t sure why he´d even asked. For some reason, it really didn´t bother him. Once in a while it was nice to be able to be themselves around someone other than the team.
“I´m sorry,” Chris offered, misinterpreting his partner´s silence. “I honestly didn´t think she heard me. I didn´t mean to embarrass you.” He paused for a moment. “I just wanted to see you smile, that´s all.”
Aside from wishing he had more control over the infernal blushing, the embarrassment hadn´t been that bad. If he cared to admit it, he´d actually enjoyed the teasing banter. It took his mind off everything else if only for a few minutes. Chris´ last words, however, brought it all back, reminding him that he really didn´t have much to smile about at the moment.
He turned his head away, staring up at the ceiling tiles he had already committed to memory. “Ain´t nothin´ ta be sorry about,” he murmured irritably. “And I don´t need ta be cheered up like some kid.”
Chris bit back a sigh. It was hard keeping track of the sudden mood swings. From tears to something resembling normal, then anger, all in the blink of an eye. Not that he could blame the man. He´d probably be much worse were he facing the same uncertainty. Except that he might skip the tears and normal and just stick with the anger part. He admired Vin for at least making the attempt, even if he suspected a great deal of it was for his sake.
“It´s OK to need cheering up,” Chris pointed out gently. “It doesn´t make you a kid, it just makes you human.”
Vin didn´t bother trying to hide his own sigh. “Yeah, well, right about now I feel anythin´ but.”
“Doc says you´re showing some improvement. Says you´re feeling more.”
Vin snorted in obvious irritation. “Why? ‘Cuz I reacted when he tugged on the damned catheter? Shit, Chris, it´s bad ‘nuff havin´ it there without him comin´ in pullin´ on it every few minutes. What the Hell kinda test is that anyway? Or is that how he gets his kicks?”
Chris winced at the uncustomary bitterness. “It must mean something, Vin. I´m sure Dr. Withers knows what he´s doing.”
“Yeah, well, when I can get out of this bed and piss like a normal person, I´ll b´lieve he knows what he´s doin´.”
Chris was silent for a moment, unwilling to offer empty reassurance in the face of his friend´s obvious anger.
Vin accepted the silence for what it was. Though part of him wanted Chris to tell him it was only a matter of time, another part knew the blonde had never lied to him and didn´t want him to start now. Unable to reconcile the conflicting emotions, he decided to at least spare the other man having to deal with them. “´M tired, Chris,” he muttered. “No sense you sittin´ there watchin´ me sleep.”
“I don´t mind,” Chris replied quietly. “I kind of like watching you sleep.”
Vin turned flashing blue eyes on him. “Well maybe I don´t like it,” he snapped. “And since I can´t get up and leave, you´re gonna have ta be the one ta do that.”
The words and the angry expression combined to hit Chris like a physical blow. “Vin, I…”
“Don´t worry none.” Vin smiled wryly, his lips tight with barely controlled emotion. “I won´t be goin´ nowhere.”
Chris swallowed hard. He didn´t want to leave, not with Vin like this, but he knew the longer he stayed, the more he´d raise the Texan´s ire and he didn´t want that either. Deciding it best to allow the injured man some control in a situation where he felt he had little, he finally nodded. “If that´s what you want.”
“It is,” Vin replied in a tight voice.
The team leader got slowly to his feet. Reaching over, he was about to kiss Vin´s forehead but the younger man turned his head away abruptly. Biting back the hurt that action caused, Chris turned and quietly left the room.
Vin lay there for a moment, his chest heaving with emotion. God, what was wrong with him? None of this was Chris´ fault. Why was he taking it out on one of the very few people in his life who´d ever truly loved him? He wanted to call him back, wanted to say he was sorry, but he just couldn´t. This was something he had to deal with on his own. If worse came to worst, he´d eventually have to do that anyway. He´d be the one sitting on the sidelines for the rest of his life, not Chris. And he´d be damned if he´d sentence the man to a lifetime of hovering over him, feeling sorry for him, pity always lying just below the surface of the green eyes that had once shone with love.
He closed his eyes tightly, trying unsuccessfully to hold back the hot tears as he realized that the love they´d known might never again be the same.
+ + + + + + +
Chris exited the room to find only Josiah there. “Ez leave?” he asked morosely.
Josiah nodded. “He and Nathan had to go back to the office and start on the reports,” he replied. “Buck´s in with JD.” He watched Chris for a moment, taking in the hard lines on the man´s face. “Travis said you could wait until morning to give your statement concerning Collings. Maybe you should try to get some sleep before then.”
“I´m not leaving,” Chris stated reflexively. Shaking his head slowly, he added in a bitter voice, “Not that Vin would mind, I´m sure.”
“He kick you out?” Josiah teased, trying to lighten the other man´s mood.
“I don´t know what he needs right now, Josiah,” Chris admitted sadly. “I can´t remember ever feeling that way before. I know Vin. I´ve always known him, but right now, I don´t have the first damned clue how to help him.”
“Maybe you have to stop trying so hard,” Josiah suggested gently. “Vin doesn´t need you to help him, not right now. Let the doctors do that.”
“And what am I supposed to do?” Chris demanded angrily. “Just turn my back on him until he decides he does need me? If he does?”
“No,” the profiler countered. “But the more you try to help, the more frustrating it becomes for both of you. You can´t fix this, Chris. You know that and Vin knows that. And watching it tear you apart is tearing him apart. He doesn´t need that right now. What he needs is to be allowed to feel whatever he feels without worrying about how it´s going to affect you.”
“How do I do that, Josiah?” Chris snapped irritably. “Of course it affects me. It kills me to see him turn away from me, or to hear him cry. You know how many times I´ve ever seen Vin cry? I mean actually sobbing in my arms? Not once until today. How the Hell am I supposed to act like that doesn´t affect me?”
“You´re not,” Josiah answered. “Cry with him if that´s how you feel. Laugh with him if you want to. Hell, fight with him if the situation calls for that, but don´t try to hide what you´re feeling, Chris. When he sees you trying to be strong when you don´t feel it, when he hears you apologizing when you´d rather be screaming in rage, it makes him feel like he has to hide what he feels from you because that´s what you´re doing. And in those moments that he´s just not strong enough to hide it, he´ll push you away so you don´t see it. So you won´t be disappointed in him for his weakness.”
Chris paled at those words and shook his head in denial. “I´d never…”
Josiah placed a comforting hand on his shoulder. “I know that, Chris,” he said softly. “But this is a whole new situation for both of you. He´s not sure of anything right now. He doesn´t know how he´s supposed to feel and he doesn´t know what you expect him to feel. You have to let him know that there are no rules here. Take it as it comes, good and bad, and just share it with him; don´t try to stop it or shield him from it.”
Chris lowered his head for a moment, thinking about all his friend had said. When he raised his eyes to meet the profiler´s, there was a steely glint of determination there.
“You enjoy kicking my ass every once in a while, don´t you?” he asked with a wry smile.
Josiah shrugged, offering one of his trademark grins. “I´ll admit, it´s one of my favourite parts of the job.”
Chris reached out and squeezed his arm briefly. “Thanks,” he said softly. Without another word, he moved past the larger man and entered the room he´d left only moments ago.
Vin heard the door open and kept his eyes closed, thinking, at first, that it was Debbie returning. Once he heard the footsteps approaching the bed, however, he knew without a doubt who was there. He held his breath, unsure what to expect.
“You want me to leave, you´re going to have to give me a damned good reason,” Chris stated evenly.
Vin let the breath out in a rush. God, he really didn´t want him to leave, not ever. All he really wanted was for Chris to treat him the way he always had, at least until they knew that things were actually going to be different.
“Damned uppity cowboy,” Vin grumbled.
“Ornery, smart-assed Texan,” Chris returned in the same tone of voice.
Vin turned his head and allowed one side of his mouth to turn up in a crooked smile. “That any way ta talk to a helpless man?”
Chris scoffed at the notion. “Hell, Tanner, you´d have to be dead three years before anyone could consider you helpless.”
“An´ don´t you forget it,” the Texan replied with a wink. Reaching toward the railing, he watched as Chris´ hand joined his. Twining his long fingers with those of his lover, he let out a weary sigh. “´M sorry, Chris,” he said. “Don´t know what gets inta me. I just feel like screamin´ sometimes and you make a mighty easy target.”
“I´m not that easy,” Chris grinned mischievously. “But if you feel like you want to scream, you go right ahead.” Josiah´s words came back to him and he added, “Hell, maybe I´ll just scream right along with you.”
“Yeah?” Vin grinned, one eyebrow raised.
“Sure, why not?” Chris smiled. “Want to give it a go?”
Vin looked as though he was considering the idea. “Naww,” he finally answered. “Don´t feel much like screamin´ just now.”
“Well, whatever you do feel like, count me in,” Chris replied, gently rubbing his thumb across the back of his lover´s hand. “We´re in this together, pard, all the way.”
Tanner tried to swallow the lump that rose in his throat at the words. “C´mere,” he whispered. “Let me tell ya what I feel like.”
Chris leaned closer and Vin reached his good hand up to cup the back of his neck, pulling him close for a deep, lingering kiss.
When they parted, Chris smiled down into the handsome face. “Definitely count me in whenever you feel like that,” he purred.
Debbie entered the room then and cleared her throat conspicuously. Chris straightened in his chair and shot a guilty look in her direction before returning his gaze to the man blushing furiously in the bed. With a wicked grin, he winked. “Looks like it´s back under the sheet for you, pard.”
Vin looked at him aghast for only a second, then burst out laughing, the sound like sweet music to Chris´ ears.
Debbie, too, was glad for the sound, knowing that the young man hadn´t had much to laugh about since his injury. “Someone sounds like he´s feeling a little better,” she smiled, moving closer to check his IV. “Maybe I´ll have to ask what they´re putting in here, hmm?”
Vin smiled warmly, despite the pain in his ribs the short bout of laughter had caused. “No, ma´am,” he breathed. “Don´t think it´s anythin´ in there at all.” He turned to look at Chris and the blonde winked.
“Well, whatever it is,” she mused. “Keep it up. It´s good for you.”
“Yes ma´am,” Vin replied shyly, his eyes still fixed on those of the man beside him. “Reckon it is at that.”