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Chris spent the night by his partner´s side. The night nurse had arranged for a cot to be brought into the room and the team leader managed to catch a few minutes of sleep while Vin did, waking each time the other man stirred. Even when awake, they talked little. Larabee knew his friend was worried but realized that, in this case, promises were not his to make. All he could do was share in that worry, watching helplessly as Vin grew more despondent each time the doctor performed the neurological tests and was forced to report little if any improvement.It made for a long night and by the time the first rays of sun reached through the window, they both felt as though days had passed instead of mere hours.
“Don´t gotta stay, Chris,” Vin pointed out when his breakfast was brought in. The voice sounded empty and Chris ached just hearing it.
“I know,” the blonde replied. “Doesn´t change the fact that there´s no place I´d rather be.”
“Yeah, right,” Vin sighed, pushing the tray away. “I can think of a Helluva lotta places I´d rather be right now.”
“You know what I meant,” Chris pointed out evenly.
Vin did know. Larabee only wanted to be by his side, where he belonged, where Vin needed him to be if he were to be totally honest with himself.
But honesty wasn´t at the top of his list of priorities at the moment. Sometime during the night, perhaps between the third and fourth time the doctor had started poking at legs that refused to respond, he´d allowed resignation to assert itself as his primary emotion.
“Ain´t like yer gonna miss anythin´ if ya leave for a spell,” he replied flatly. “Ain´t been hardly no change in the last twelve hours.”
“So we´ll wait another twelve hours,” Chris stated firmly. “Then twelve more after that. And we´ll keep waiting, and keep hoping until Dr. Withers tells us there´s nothing left to hope for. And if that happens, then we´ll stop waiting and start dealing with it. Either way, I´m going to be here, whether you like it or not.”
Vin snorted at that, turning his head away. “Sure as Hell don´t need ya stayin´ out of pity, Larabee.”
“Pity?” Chris repeated, overwrought emotions and lack of sleep combining to fuel his anger. “Where the Hell do you get off accusing me of that?”
Vin didn´t answer. He didn´t really know where the words had come from, he only knew that once they were out, he´d realized he meant them. He couldn´t stand the thought of Chris staying with him out of some misplaced sense of obligation. He´d rather be alone.
Oh, God, he really didn´t want to be alone again. But he couldn´t tell Chris that.
“Don´t you have work to do?” he asked instead. “Reckon they must be wantin´ a report by now.” He turned to face Chris, eyes flashing. “Or is sitting here lookin´ at Collings´ handywork more entertainin´ than makin´ sure he´s put away for it?”
The words were cruel and he knew it; he just couldn´t seem to stop them. He had to look away again as they hit their mark, filling the green eyes with pain.
Chris swallowed that pain and tried to infuse a certain amount of calmness into his voice. “Self-pity doesn´t become you, Vin,” he stated.
“Yeah, well it´s all I got ta offer right now,” Vin retorted angrily, still not facing the other man. “Take it or leave it.”
He leaned back in his chair, crossing his arms over his chest. “I´ll take what I can get. I´m not leaving you, Vin, so you can just cut the bullshit and quit trying to give me a reason.”
“Wouldn´t think ya´d need more reason,” Vin mumbled irritably.
“Got more reason to stay than I do to leave,” Chris pointed out.
“Oh, really?” Vin sneered, turning to face the other man. He pulled the sheet back to expose his useless limbs. “This what yer stayin´ for? Take a good look, Larabee, ‘cuz it ain´t gonna get any better. You know it and I know it, so if anyone needs ta cut the bullshit here, I reckon it´s you!”
“Stop it, Vin,” Chris hissed angrily. “We don´t know…”
“´Course we know, Chris!” Vin interrupted harshly. “Ain´t one thing in my life ever turned out right. What the Hell makes ya think this is gonna be any different, huh? Ya think just ‘cuz the mighty Chris Larabee´s here things are suddenly gonna start goin´ my way? Think life´s gonna quit dealing me a shit hand just ‘cuz you say so?” He paused a moment to take a breath. “Ain´t the way it works, pard,” he continued, his voice more resigned than angry. “Not for me.”
“You?” Chris demanded. “What about us, Vin? You say nothing in your life´s ever turned out right. What about us? Didn´t we turn out right? You just going to turn your back on that because you think life´s dealt you a shitty hand? What about me, Vin? What about us?”
“Us brought us here!” Vin shot back, anger once again the dominant emotion.
It took a moment for his own words to register in the deathly silence that followed. “Chris, I didn´t mean…”
“No,” Chris interrupted in a broken voice, holding up one trembling hand to stem the words. All the guilt he´d been trying so hard to suppress welled to the surface, threatening to choke him with its enormity. Vin was here because of him, because Collings had recognized what was between them and had tried to use that against him. Once again, someone he loved had paid a horrible price for just being in his life. He got to his feet quickly, knocking the chair over in his haste. “Just … no,” he said again, his voice reduced to a hoarse whisper.
“Chris?” Vin called weakly as he watched the man turn toward the door. Without a word or a gesture in response, his best friend and lover left the room.
“Shit,” he breathed, leaning back against the pillows and closing his eyes. He hadn´t meant to blame Chris, though it was obvious from the hurt in those green eyes that the blonde had taken it that way. How the Hell had he managed to make things worse yet again?
The door opened and he looked toward it hopefully, only to have those hopes dashed as Debbie and Dr. Withers entered.
“Morning, Mr. Tanner,” the doctor greeted him, glancing at the untouched tray of oatmeal and weak tea. “Thought you´d be hungry enough by now that even our meager wares would suffice.”
“Not much of an appetite,” Vin grumbled irritably.
Withers studied him for a moment, gauging the injured man´s mood. It wasn´t unusual for patients to suffer at least some mild depression in such circumstances. He´d seen the resulting anger and despondence too many times to count. But this man was strong, with a host of equally strong men offering their support. He could only hope he´d allow them to be there for him in the event things didn´t turn out the way they all hoped they would.
“Yes, well, maybe later,” he finally mused in response to the appetite comment. “How are you feeling otherwise?”
“Can´t sit up without help, couldn´t stand or walk even with it, and I practically told my best friend and boss it´s all his fault. How the Hell do you think I´m feeling?” the Texan snapped angrily.
“Mr. Tanner, it´s perfectly normal for you to feel that way,” the doctor tried to assure him. “I can prescribe something to help with the depression for now. In the event you need more help down the road, we have an excellent psychologist on staff.”
“Don´t need no shrink,” Vin grumbled on an irritated sigh. “Just do whatever ya need to and leave me be.”
Debbie moved to lower the bed until he was once again flat on his back. The position only served to fuel his frustration and he closed his eyes as the doctor began the now familiar tests.
Taking a small implement from his breast pocket, Withers began poking the skin at Vin´s right foot, moving slowly upward a quarter of an inch at a time. Each time he pressed with the metal probe, he looked at his patient´s face for any reaction.
All he saw was the grim, angry expression that had greeted them upon entering the room.
Vin didn´t know how much longer he could do this. It wasn´t bad enough he had to worry about walking again, now he had to somehow try to repair the damage he´d caused with his juvenile temper tantrum. How could it all spiral out of control so fast? For all the times he´d been accused of being too quiet, why couldn´t he keep his mouth shut when he really needed to? He hadn´t been blaming Chris, he knew that, but still…
Us brought us here!
Oh God, had he actually said that? He knew he had. Even if he hadn´t heard the words, the look on Chris´ face was testament to what he´d blurted out. How could he explain that he hadn´t meant it like it sounded? He hadn´t meant Chris was the reason for him being here. From the beginning of their time together, he´d feared that fate was only waiting in the wings, biding her time until the perfect moment when she could swoop in and steal the happiness he´d finally found. As their love had grown, he´d begun to believe that maybe there was more to life. Maybe it wasn´t always about waiting for the other shoe to drop. Maybe, just maybe, things didn´t have to end up as they always had.
And then Collings had entered the picture and, once again, things had come crashing down around him… around them.
Us brought us here!
And it had, though not in the way Chris was now thinking. Here wasn´t the hospital bed or the state of immobility. Here was having to look at the pain in Chris´ eyes, knowing he could do no more to erase it than Chris could to take away his own fears. It was the utter helplessness they both felt, each wanting to make it better for the other and being hopelessly unable to do so.
Loving each other was breaking both of their hearts.
A sharp sting interrupted his frustrated thoughts and he opened his eyes to shoot the doctor an irritated glare.
“Christ, doc, wanna watch where the Hell yer stickin´ that thing?”
The doctor´s eyes snapped up to meet his. “You felt that?”
The sudden realization hit Tanner hard and he struggled to raise his upper body, leaning back on his elbows as he watched the doctor hopefully. “Yeah,” he breathed.
Withers continued with his examination, his smile growing wider with each nod of Vin´s head. By the time he´d finished, he´d determined that Vin was feeling slightly more in his left leg than his right, but that sensation in both had improved remarkably.
“What does it mean, doc?” Vin asked hopefully.
“It means, Mr. Tanner, that sensation is returning at a much greater rate than in the last few hours and should continue to do so as the steroids do their job.”
“Still can´t move,” Vin pointed out, hoping that wouldn´t change the doctor´s optimistic prognosis.
“The basic rule is feeling before function,” Withers assured him. “Trust me, things are definitely looking up. The smile that radiated from his patient´s face was one of the things that made his difficult job so worthwhile.
“Is Chris still here?” he asked hopefully, his eyes turning to Debbie.
“I´ll check,” she replied with a smile.
“Thanks,” Vin replied. “But don´t tell ‘im.” He blushed slightly at his own outburst. “Reckon after all I put ‘im through, I should be the one ta do that.”
“I´ll just tell him you´d like to see him,” she smiled in understanding.
“And I´ll see you later, Mr. Tanner,” Withers added as he finished up with the chart. “I expect your progress will escalate from here on.”
“Thanks, Doc,” Vin offered.
The doctor nodded and left Vin alone in the room. When the door opened again, he turned to see Chris standing there, hesitating as though worried he wouldn´t be welcome, despite Vin´s request to see him.
And who could blame him. The wounds Vin´s words had caused were still evident in the haunted green depths. Tears sprung to the Texan´s own eyes, but he barely noticed. The desire to share his news suddenly paled in comparison to his need to erase the pain he´d caused.
“God, I´m so sorry, Chris,” he rasped, the tears flowing unheeded down the bruised cheeks. “I never meant ta hurt ya, never meant it ta sound the way it did.”
Chris bowed his head for a moment, then raised it to stand straight and tall. “Don´t worry about it,” he said dismissively. “Travis called. I have to go down to the office with Buck and give my statement. Ezra will be here, though.” He kept his gaze focused on Vin´s chest, unable to look into the tear-filled eyes. In a softer voice, he added, “We can talk when I get back.”
Before Vin had a chance to tell him the good news about his legs, the team leader turned and left the room.
And Vin felt his whole world come crashing down on him once more.
He turned his head toward the window and allowed the tears to fall. Suddenly he wasn´t so worried about whether he´d ever walk out of the hospital. His only concern now was whether he´d have a place to go once he did.
+ + + + + + +
Chris sat in the passenger seat of Buck´s truck, not saying a word, simply staring out the window and seeing nothing.
“Might make ya feel better to get it off your chest, ol´ pard,” Buck said softly as they waited at a red light.
“It won´t,” Chris replied shortly.
Buck took a deep breath and let it out slowly. He knew Larabee´s moods better than anyone. Not even Vin had been present during those dark days when Chris´ soul – and perhaps his very life – had seemed to be in constant jeopardy. He knew the man wouldn´t talk if he didn´t want to.
But he also knew that the small confines of the cab left Chris very little choice when it came to listening.
“You´re gonna get through this,” he said, his voice still soft and low. “You and Vin both, no matter how much he does or doesn´t get back.”
“Get through it?” Chris scoffed derisively after a few minutes. He breathed a heavy sigh. “Hell, I don´t even know where to start.”
“You´re both still alive, Chris,” Buck reminded him gently. “Which is more than we can say for some of Collings´ victims. Sounds like a pretty good place to start if you ask me.”
Larabee was silent again as the light changed and they continued on toward the office. After a moment, he spoke in a voice so quiet, Buck had to strain to hear him. “I´m not sure I can do it, Buck. God knows I want nothing more than to get through this, but I just … I just don´t know if I can do it.”
Wilmington considered the words for a moment. “Does Vin know you´re thinkin´ of givin´ up on him?”
The words got the desired effect. Chris´ head snapped to the side, green eyes glaring daggers at his old friend. “That´s not what I´m doing!” he argued vehemently.
“Isn´t it?” the scoundrel countered. “You just got finished telling me you don´t know if you can do it. That implies a choice, Chris. A choice you have to make. You either decide to work through it or you walk away.”
“Maybe…” Emotion choked his voice and he had to try again. “Maybe it´s not my choice to make.”
Buck shook his head, a wry smile turning up the corners of his mouth. “You leavin that up ta Junior, are ya? Not like you, Chris. You know the man is hurtin´ just now. I´d lay bets he don´t know which way is up half the time. And you´re gonna let him make the decision about whether or not you keep tryin?” He shook his head again. “Never took you for a coward, pard.”
“If we weren´t in this truck, I´d lay you out flat for that remark,” Chris grated between clenched teeth.
Buck nodded ahead at the Federal Building looming before them. “You´re about to get your chance, ol´ son.”
Nothing more was said as Buck pulled into the garage, parked the truck and they both got out. Chris slammed the door and stormed toward the elevator without once looking back at his friend.
“Somethin´ tells me you haven´t escaped that beatin´ just yet, Wilmington,” Buck murmured to himself as he hurried to catch up.
+ + + + + + +
After both Chris and Buck had given their statements to the agent investigating Collings, Orrin Travis asked Larabee into his office.
“Sit down, Chris,” the AD offered gently. Once both were seated, one on each side of the cluttered desk, the older man took a moment to study the SAC´s drawn features. “How´s Vin?” he asked.
Chris shrugged. “Still can´t move his legs. Hasn´t seen much improvement at all in the last few hours.” He paused a moment. “I guess I really don´t know any more than that.”
“How´s he taking it?” Travis asked.
The team leader let out a short scoff. “Ready to take on all comers at the moment,” he answered wryly. “Especially me.” After a long moment, he added, “Not that anyone could blame him.”
“None of this is your fault, Chris,” Orrin pointed out. “Tanner knows that.”
“Everyone can keep saying that,” Chris retorted bitterly. “Won´t change the fact that Vin doesn´t know any such thing. He as much as told me that it is my fault.”
Travis frowned in concern. “If he actually said that, I´m sure he didn´t mean it. An injury such as his is bound to cause some emotional turmoil. Depression is all too common in such cases.”
Larabee knew that irrational anger was one of the symptoms of depression. In the days and months following the death of his family, he´d experienced more than his share. But even if they managed to get through that stage it wouldn´t erase the words that hung between them.
Us brought us here!
From the moment he´d first realized how he felt about the long-haired, blue-eyed Texan, he´d harboured a secret fear that he would lose him the way he´d lost his wife and son. If Sarah hadn´t married him, she might still be alive. If Vin hadn´t fallen in love with him, he might still be able to walk.
Us brought us here!
In his mind, Sarah´s voice combined with Vin´s to hurl the accusation simultaneously and he felt as though his head would explode from the joint force of their anger.
“Chris?”
The concerned note in Orrin´s voice broke through his thoughts and he blinked once to focus on the equally concerned features of his superior. “What?”
“Have you slept at all?” Travis repeated the words that hadn´t been heard.
“Some,” Chris nodded once, rubbing a tired hand over his face. “If there´s nothing else, I´d like to get back to the hospital.”
“I´m afraid there is something else,” the AD informed him gravely. “You must realize they´ve already questioned Collings about what happened.”
“So?” Chris retorted, eyes narrowed. “Surely he can´t be denying any of it. Hell, Orrin, I was there! So was Vin. Even Buck heard what he was planning to do.”
“I know that, Chris,” Orrin sighed. “That´s not what I meant.” He paused a moment. “They asked him why he would use Tanner to get back at you.”
Chris tensed visibly at the words. He didn´t have to ask about Collings´ reply. The look on Travis´ face told him all he needed to know. “So, what now?” he asked quietly.
“That´ll depend in large part on you and Vin,” Orrin answered. “You know the bureau´s policy on this. They´re not likely to ask outright. All they have is speculation on Collings´ part. He could press it, though, make things uncomfortable for both of you.”
“Uncomfortable seems to be the order of the day,” Chris replied wryly.
“Yes, well,” Travis concurred. “If Collings gives them enough of a reason, they may be forced to call you before a review board. You need to decide how you´ll handle things if it comes to that. You know I´ll back you in any way I can.”
“I know,” Chris sighed. “And I appreciate that.” After thinking for a moment, he shook his head. “Can´t think about this right now. All that really matters is whether or not Vin´s going to walk again.”
“I understand,” Orrin nodded. “But you should know they´ve sent someone to the hospital to take his statement.”
“What?” Chris demanded, getting to his feet. “While he´s alone? Jesus, Orrin, he´s hospitalized and heavily medicated! What were you thinking?”
Travis held up a hand to stem the blonde´s angry words. “Just sit down, Chris,” he instructed firmly. Once Larabee had grudgingly complied, the AD leaned forward to meet the green gaze steadily. “I´ve appointed Agent Standish to be present during the deposition.” He allowed a moment for the words to sink in. “I´m sorry, Chris, but they specifically requested that you not be there.”
“Christ,” the team leader hissed, shaking his head slowly. “I´m sorry, Orrin. I should have known you wouldn´t let them at him without one of us being there.”
“Yes, you should have,” Travis replied with a raised brow. Then, both his voice and his expression softened. “But I understand. They may be finished by the time you get back there.”
Chris took that as permission to be excused. They both got to their feet and the SAC extended his hand. “Thanks,” he said sincerely.
“You´re welcome, son,” Travis smiled. “Give my best to Agent Tanner, will you?”
+ + + + + + +
When Vin heard the door open, he found himself hoping it would be Chris. While disappointed, he wasn´t exactly surprised to see it wasn´t.
“That lovely nurse of yours tells me you´ve received good news, Mr. Tanner,” Ezra smiled as he approached the bed. “Care to enlighten me?”
Vin tried unsuccessfully to return the smile. “It´s comin´ back, Ez. I can feel straight down to my knee on one side, and almost as far on the other.”
“That is good news, Vin,” Standish beamed, unaware that he´d dropped the more formal moniker he usually used.
“Doc says once I get the feelin´ back, I might be able to move ‘em,” Vin added.
“Of that I have no doubt,” Ezra grinned, laying a hand on his friend´s forearm. “I´ve never known you to back down from a challenge.”
Vin nodded in acknowledgement of the words. “Chris?” he finally asked, almost afraid to hear the answer.
Standish hesitated for a moment before replying. “Still down at the office,” he said gently.
Tanner searched his friend´s green eyes carefully. “He comin´ back?” he finally asked, his voice hesitant.
“Of course,” the undercover agent answered firmly. “Nothing could keep him away, Vin.” He saw the doubt and fear in the blue eyes and leaned closer, holding the gaze steady with his own. “Nothing, do you understand me?”
Vin did. Ezra was telling him that not even his own misplaced anger was enough to keep Chris from his side. They´d have some things to work through, but he´d be back. For the first time since seeing his friend and lover leave, he knew without the slightest doubt that he would be back.
“Thanks, Ez,” Vin whispered on a sigh.
“Think nothing of it, my friend,” Standish replied patting the uninjured arm and straightening to stand beside the bed. “Unfortunately, I do have more news to deliver. The FBI is sending in someone to get your statement.”
Tanner nodded. He´d been expecting that. “They already talk to Collings?” he asked quietly.
“Yes,” Ezra answered in the same tone. He paused for a minute, unsure how to voice the rest. “They seemed most interested in why Collings would attempt to use you to attain retribution.”
Vin tensed slightly. It wasn´t as though he hadn´t been expecting it to come up, but the trouble Collings could still make for them was cause for concern. “What´d he tell ‘em?” he asked, unwilling to meet Ezra´s gaze.
“Exactly what you might expect,” Ezra sighed regretfully.
Vin took a moment to digest the answer, then nodded once as though he´d decided upon something important. It was one thing for Collings to suspect there was something more than friendship between him and Chris, but it would be something else entirely if he were to raise suspicions higher up. “Chris know that?” he asked simply.
“I´m sure it won´t come as any real surprise,” Ezra answered. “But if it´s of any comfort at all, I´ll be present while they take your statement.”
Seconds later, Agent Johnson and another man entered the room.
“Agent Tanner,” Johnson smiled in greeting before extending the same to Standish. “This is Special Agent Burroughs. He´ll be asking you a few questions about what happened yesterday.”
Vin nodded, subconsciously twisting the edge of the blanket in tightly fisted hands.
Once they´d rehashed the events as they´d happened, Burroughs got to the questions Vin had been dreading.
“Why would Collings take his hatred for Larabee out on you?” the FBI interrogator asked. “You didn´t even know him back then, did you?”
Vin shrugged. “Guess he knows the best way to get to Larabee is through someone on his team.”
Burroughs considered that and made a note on his pad. “Collings suggested that perhaps there was more to it.”
“Like what?” Vin asked, trying to keep the defiance from his voice.
The two FBI agents looked slightly uncomfortable for a moment. “He seems to be under the impression that you and Larabee share, shall we say, a more personal relationship outside of the job,” Burroughs clarified
“We´re friends, if that´s what you mean,” Vin stated evenly. He knew what the other man was asking, but he wasn´t about to admit to anything unless asked directly. Even then, he wasn´t sure how he´d answer.
“So, there´s no truth to Collings´ claim that the two of you are … involved romantically?” Burroughs asked hesitantly.
“What the Hell kind of question is that?” Ezra snapped. The uncustomary language seemed the perfect companion to the anger flashing in his green eyes.
Johnson had seen the colour rise in Tanner´s cheeks and wasn´t sure if it was the question or the possibility of having to answer that had invoked it.
“I apologize,” he said, directing his words at Vin. “Collings is a fellow agent and a member of ISU. I´m sure you can understand how delicate a matter this is. We´re just trying to get all the facts here, that´s all.”
“Here´s some facts,” Vin retorted, eyes narrowed. “That fellow agent of yers has been killin´ kids all over the fucking country. He was all ready to carve inta me like I was some kinda Sunday dinner. He´s a sick sonovabitch who don´t deserve ta wear a badge. That delicate enough for ya?”
Both Burroughs and Johnson looked appropriately contrite. “I understand this is difficult for you,” the former continued in a subdued tone. “But we need to ask.”
“Well you asked,” Vin snapped, “and I answered. Larabee and I are friends. If you wanna know why Collings did the things he did, you ain´t gonna find no answers here.” He allowed an angry glare to punctuate his words. “Less´n ya think Chris was ‘romantically involved´ with all them kids Collings already killed.”
“The very idea that you would take the word of such a reprehensible man as Collings is appalling,” Ezra added his own two cents. “He´s obviously been pulling the proverbial wool over your collective eyes for some time now.”
“Yeah, I guess that pretty much sums it up,” Johnson sighed wearily. “I think we have everything we need here, Burroughs.”
The other agent nodded and put the pen and pad back in his pocket. “We´ll be in touch if we have any further questions.”
“I´m not going anywhere,” Vin replied with a wry smile.
“We all hope that condition is temporary,” Johnson offered. “We´re sorry about what happened.”
Vin met his gaze and saw the sincerity there. “Thanks,” he replied with a small nod.
When they´d left the room, Ezra turned to face him. “That went well,” he commented with a sarcastic smirk.
The Texan leaned back and closed his eyes. “Coulda been worse, Ez,” he breathed. “Still might be before this is all over.”